Tuck-a-luck

How long does it take to stop listening for the clicking of his nails on the floor? When will I just stand up after being curled up on the sofa and NOT look for Tucker to avoid stepping on him as he was always curled up under me? When will I forget the softness of his ears that Jack loved to stroke? I loved the scruff of his big wide neck and will miss burying my face into it.

As I shared in my last blog post, Brooke is all about adventure and I am all about relaxing and connecting with friends. Neither of us is a decisive decision maker. We both saw the clear demise of Tucker but neither could say "We need to put him down". We held out hope that this wasn't the end even though he was 15 1/2 years old. "But maybe he really isn't that old since he's a rescue and you never know for sure if the people who turned him in knew his real age? They told us his birthday was July 4th....what are the odds of that REALLY being his birthday? Maybe he's only 13 or 14 years old?" Hello denial.

I had taken him to the vet two weeks earlier and she had shared that after 5 months on Remidil, his tummy could be nauseous from the meds which was causing him to not want to eat and we could wean him off that medicine before trying another pain killer. He could barely walk without that med so I didn't want him to be in pain for his remaining days so we tried Pepcid AC to help his tummy. It was then they I couldn't even get his meds down as he was refusing ALL food. This past weekend (after a week of no meds), he started wanting to try food again!! I was psyched and thought that he had weaned himself off the meds and now we could try another pain med. There was (false) hope! I made an appointment on Monday and took him in. When they weighed him, the flood gates of tears opened and didn't stop all day. At his prime he weighed 89 lbs. On Monday, he was 53 lbs. I knew that it was bad since I could easily pick him up to put him into the back of the car. In his prime, I could barely lift him and really didn't need to since he could jump in and out of the car by himself. Our very kind vet didn't seem to notice my puffy, red eyes or the constant flow of tears. She handed me a box of kleenex. I used a lot of them. They must deal with sad owners like me on a daily basis, right? That has to be one of the hardest parts of their job sharing the news that it is time? I NEEDED her to make the decision as we couldn't do it. This was a gift to Tucker. His quality of life was over. Even going on a short walk didn't appeal to him anymore and walks were what made him his happiest.

Brooke and Jack were with Tucker for his last breath. He was surrounded by love (and sobbing) and went peacefully. While they took Tucker to the vet, I took Molly to her music therapy after saying my last goodbye to Tuck-a-luck. I sobbed for the entire 20 minute drive. Molly kept looking at me knowing something wasn't right. We had tried to explain Tuckers situation but she didn't seem to get it or care or understand? "Putting a dog down" and "death" are such abstract concepts that are almost impossible for a kid with autism to understand. I wanted her to say goodbye to Tuck, which she did with a quick wave, but did she know that she was saying goodbye forever? We have no idea? I even showed her Tucker's empty bed the next morning but she didn't show any signs of getting it. Or maybe she understands even better than WE do? Maybe she knows Tucker is in Heaven and romping with his pals? But if she ever can talk and go to therapy and complain about how she was raised, she won't be able to say that we hid Tucker's death from her! ;)

And to be totally honest, making the decision and following through with that decision was WAY harder than the days that follow. I haven't even cried today :) Watching Tucker not eat, and throw up on the carpet, and go in and out and in and out and stare off into nowhere was really tough. Not having to stress over his health the last few days has brought a sense of peace.

What I DO know is that loving a dog and losing a dog is one of the hardest emotional processes we can go through and I have been through a number of heartaches in my 50 years. They capture our hearts and love us unconditionally. They are there wagging their tails when we get home and are equally excited to see us if we only leave to go outside to bring the paper back in. They are the essence of love and open our hearts. Losing them is so painful as they are a member of the family. I have never had so many lovely notes of compassion via my FB page as I have with Tucker's passing. Dog people understand and we all reach out to each other when we lose a family member. Thank you ALL for reaching out, loving us, and sharing your own doggie stories. I love to hear them. RIP sweet Tucker. Thanks for being a part of our family for 8 1/2 years. We will miss you!

He barked at MANY deer, neighbor cats that taunted him, and wagged as we approached from this front window perch.