Dave interview Fall 2013

Happy 46th Birthday, Dave!

Our 25th wedding Anniversary gift to Mom and Dad

Mom and Dave this past Mother's Day

Dave's graduation from Denison

I will never forget the call that sent a primal scream out of my mouth and had me collapsing to the hotel room floor in Santa Fe, NM January 14th, 2001. I was on a desperately needed girls get away weekend with a few of my dearest friends. Molly was just 4 years old and Jack was 2. We had had a fabulous Friday night of dinner and cocktails which  had lead to a slow start on Saturday morning when I got the call. Brooke sounded solemn and told me that my brother, my best friend, the person who could make me laugh the most, was fighting for his life in the San Fran General ICU. In the wee hours of the night before, he had fallen 10 feet into a driveway and had suffered a severe Traumatic Brain Injury. They could not tell me if he'd still be alive by the time I hopped a plane to San Fran and rushed to his side. I cried and prayed for him to stay alive the entire route there. Years later he told me that from his coma state he could hear me saying "You CAN NOT leave me. You CAN NOT leave me". What's amazing is that those were the exact words that I prayed over and over again and had never told him! He recalls Heaven too but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

It was bad. They had removed the entire left side of his skull to relieve the brain swelling. We were told that he would never walk, never talk, never be able to feed himself again. His quality of life, were he to actually survive, would be grim. They gave us little hope. I'm sure the doctors thought that we were just crazy as we didn't want to hear or believe anything that they told us. Denial is a blessing I suppose. Our brother Jay created an email blog to keep friends and family far and wide updated on Dave's daily progress. (This was 13 years ago just as the internet was becoming more mainstream. The hospital didn't have anywhere to plug in for the internet if that gives you any idea of how long ago this was. Jay couldn't read the outpouring of supportive emails that came in daily or update everyone on Dave's current condition, until we got back to the apartment at night. His blog was essentially a model for the first Caring Bridge. He should have started that business). Our request for prayers was for "a complete recovery". We wanted the funny Dave that we all knew and loved to come back. We couldn't picture anything else. He was too big a presence. He was the life of a party. He was the funny guy that fed everyone near and far endless shit. He could find our most embarrassing weaknesses, call us out about it publicly, and we would laugh in hysterics. He had a unique ability to tease and make you love him even more. He drew everyone in. If I tried to tease someone about their balding head and ugly shirt....I'd just come off looking like a meany. He'd have the person rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. It was truly a gift to behold.

As I write about our past, I'm not even sure I will be able to do this. It is not often that I let myself go back to what we used to have.  The early years after Dave's accident, that took his speech and ability to banter and tease, were most definitely the hardest. I missed him terribly. What made me feel guilty about that was the fact that he was still alive and we talked weekly. Dave was still here but in many ways he wasn't the Dave that I had grown up with. It's a hard dynamic to explain but all of his buddies know exactly what I'm saying. I missed the weekly phone call that would start with a noise that he and his fraternity brothers would make. It's kind of a farting noise that they make out of the sides of their mouths. I'd answer the phone (pre caller ID) and that was the noise I'd hear. No "Hello Kath, this is Dave". Simply a "BBbbrrrrrrrrrr". It would bring an immediate smile to my face as I knew that I had Dave to laugh with for a bit. I loved his prankster stories. I loved his genuine love of people. He was a good guy. He also wanted to hear about my kid filled life. He cared about my daily struggles as a mom and he'd try and pep me up. I lived the wild life vicariously through him and his stories of travels and late nights at the bars and new girlfriend crushes. I was dealing with autism and therapists, and diapers, and life as a young and frazzled parent. He was the breath of fresh air that I looked forward to connecting with.

Today, Dave is still a good guy and I can safely say that I admire him more than anyone. He has worked his ass off to get better. He has defied the odds. EVERYTHING was taken from him and yet he smiles every day. His positive outlook is impressive to behold despite his significant challenges. Pre accident his passion was golf. He played whenever he could. He couldn't afford his passion but that didn't stop him from playing :) He was also an excellent squash player. He'd beat you at any bar game too (darts, pool......). With his TBI, he no longer has use of his dominant right hand and has learned to be a leftie. He has foot drop on the right foot so has a brace that stabilizes his foot. The miracle is that he can walk. The other miracle is that he can live on his own. He lived at The Bridge in Charlottesville, Va (for 5-6 years?) until we realized that he was taking care of others and really didn't need the supervision that we were paying an arm and a leg for. So our parents bought him a 2 bedroom condo in walking distance to the downtown mall. He can walk to his regular Friday night movie or live music during the warmer months. He is fun to follow around his local stomping grounds as he uses his only functional hand to fist bump those that he knows. He fist bumps the homeless man. Then he fist bumps the police officer. Then further down the way he waves at someone that works out at Gold's gym where he works 5 days a week cleaning the equipment. He doesn't remember anyone's name but he goes out of his way to say hello. He sadly has no sport in his life that he can actively participate in. I have asked if he'd enjoy just hanging out with friends while they play golf as he rides in the cart. He shakes his head "no". His love of golf was such a passion and it's just too hard to be out there and not play. Even trying to putt leftie is just depressing. No squash or tennis either. He does help the UVa lacrosse team one day a week which is great to hang out in that environment and be around fun guys and a sport that he loves. Thank you Coach Starsia. You have given Dave a gift by allowing him to be a part of a team and I will love you forever for that.

Dave has created a new life for himself that gives him happiness and purpose. He goes to church, he attends all of the UVa sporting events: football, basketball, and lacrosse. He has a group of childhood and high school friends who jam (banjo, guitar, mandolin etc) every Wednesday night at the Pickin' Shack and they let Dave hang out and listen to them. He sees every movie that comes out and gives me the update every Sunday when he calls. He continues to qualify for weekly speech therapy which is shocking 13 years post accident that his brain is STILL making progress. He most recently started adding a time line to his sentences. Would make me crazy in the past when he'd launch into a story with no timeframe reference. I'd have to scour my life to try and figure out if he was talking about our childhood, our Rehoboth Beach days, our Aspen days, his NYC or San Fran or Denver days.....or was he talking about now? A few weeks ago he told me "Yesterday, I went to ACAC to swim". Love that new speech skill! And you should watch that feat. YOU try and swim freestyle with only the use of one arm. I'd sink. He's still an athlete!

Pre accident, Dave was a ladies man. Post accident he seems very content to be single. He doesn't even want a pet. He has an amazing group of buddies that continue to invite him to their homes for visits. He gets to go to Baltimore this weekend for the NCAA lacrosse tournament to see his college buddies that he played lacrosse with at Denison. It's a fun annual weekend that he loves. The banter is back. The mouth fart noises will happen. He will laugh so hard that it will give him a headache. Knowing that he is with that group fills my heart. Those friends are true friends....through thick and thin. A true brotherhood.

So on this May 22 and Dave's 46th birthday, I'd like to say just how much I love and admire Dave. We had a uniquely close brother/sister bond that continues to this day. We have had to alter and make tweaks to our lives and I love that he has been through it all with me. I'm so appreciative that Mom and Dad are involved in helping Dave manage his life, his bills, his travels. They continue to be there for him which makes my life that much easier that I don't have to worry or coordinate for Dave. At some point, Jay and I will take on that role and who knows what the next steps will be. For now and maybe forever, Charlottesville is a GREAT place for Dave to live. He has a huge network of amazing support wherever he turns. I could never replicate that out here in Colorado for him.

Happy Birthday Dave!!

Baby David and me. That stroller makes us look REALLY old!

Basketball in high school. Nice shorts.

Dad's Smethurst Tour

Ran into Miles Lilly while playing for Denison

Fun times in Aspen with a few Denison buddies that had moved there too. And Buffie.

Golfing in San Fran with Dad and Jay

Aspen fun





I'll try and post the video that I took of Dave last year. As you can see, I'm still not able to put pictures exactly where I want them (those top 3 pictures are supposed to be lower) so we'll see if the video gets loaded.

Special Olympics: The effort is WAY more valuable than the outcome.

I had the perfect Mother's Day weekend! We had Jack's second round lacrosse playoff game to attend as well as Molly's Regional Special Olympic Swim meet the next day. Mother's Day is typically the day in Colorado where we are told that it is safe to finally plant our flowers and bulbs. This year it snowed up to a foot in some higher elevations! There was a collective moan heard far and wide across the state. It was the perfect excuse for me to stay in my PJ's ALL DAY and watch game after game of college lacrosse on ESPNU from the sofa. The boys shoveled off a section of the deck to grill yummy burgers for dinner for me and Jack cut up a fruit salad.  Really I've learned that anything is delicious when someone else makes it.  Watching my kids participate in sports and being fed by others are two of my favorite things in life! Thus the perfect weekend!!

Since I'm learning to not put any energy, thoughts, or efforts into negative things or people that bug me, I'm not going to even try and find the words to explain the ugly parent behavior of the #1 lacrosse team in our division. Suffice it to say that I was left feeling very disturbed by the state of high school sports and the ugliness that parents can portray even if their team is winning by a hefty margin. Their cheering that a boy on our team might have a serious head trauma ( there was a 3 minute penalty awarded the offense) just made me turn clear around in my seat to see who would act that way? Good sportsmanship (and humanity) is disappearing from the sidelines and it makes me very sad.

Luckily, we had this the next day.

Parade

Molly is in purple.

Juxtoposing Molly's Special Olympics Regional swim meet down in Pueblo was the refreshing dip into happiness that I needed to revive my belief in the good of humanity. We gathered at 9 am with the rest of our little Dolphins team dressed in purple. There were at least 20 teams from southern Colorado all there for the track and field events as well as the swimming. You have to participate in the Regional events to qualify for the State events held clear across the state in Grand Junction a month from now. In years past, during the opening ceremonies, everyone would walk one full lap around the track holding their banners and slowly trudging along. It took FOREVER. We were pleased to see that this year they only walked  1/4 of the track, as they paraded by us in the stands for photo ops, and then back tracked to the start.

Molly was entered in the 25 m and 50 m freestyle as well as the 50 m backstroke. Her freestyle looks like a breaststroke, so I'm still not clear why she's not entered in that category, yet she took first place both times? Her darling backstroke looks like a frog on his back about to drown, however she took second place in that!! She swims with a huge smile on her face the entire time and rarely sticks her face in the water. I don't think that I saw anyone with an actual flip turn at the end of the pool. They touch the wall and turn around to head back. Some even stand and jump off the bottom of the pool in the shallow end as they launch themselves into their final lap. All of these things I'm sure are illegal in your typical swim meets. Whenever any athlete got up on the starting blocks to dive, it would catch my attention, as most athletes start in the water. Diving is a pretty complex skill when you really start breaking it down so very few Special Olympians dive. I was touched by the efforts of those that attempted. There were a few smacking belly flops, as well as some that went straight down (thus not giving them any sort of distance advantage on the whistle). One fella looked like a giant upside down U as both his feet and his hands entered the water at the same time. Picture yourself touching your toes and then just hopping into the water in that position. Cute. I also loved the girl that kept her reading glasses on and swam her freestyle stroke keeping her face dry and out of the water as she looked left, then right, with every stroke of her arms.

Everyone cheered for everyone. The atmosphere was alive with smiles and praise. When Big Mike comes in last but throws his arms energetically above his head saying "I DID IT. I DID IT" and is so proud of himself, we all smile and are proud of him too. I wish that I would pat myself on the back more often at just making the effort, instead of feeling like I have to be in first or second place to matter.

1st place 25 m freestyle

All her ribbons with her cheering squad!

Seeing Jack sit in the bleachers for a change, cheering on his sister, melts my heart too. She spends SO MANY HOURS listening to her music with her headphones on in the sun, in the wind, in the snow, for his football and lacrosse games, that it great to see the support reciprocated. And he's happy to be there for her, even if it meant getting up at 7:30 am on a Saturday.

I couldn't tell if Molly was trying to win the races? She seems pleased with the process but I'm not sure if victory was her mission? She loves getting the ribbons. She even loves posing for these pictures. I get the sense that just being around others fills Molly, and of course seeing her thrive fills us.

I have to give a huge shout out "Thank You" to Molly's augmentative device speech therapist Barbara who took their group on a field trip to Walmart to shop for Mother's Day presents. The next week they wrapped them. On Mother's Day, Molly excitedly handed me the present and watched intently as I opened it.

My present

I love the words...but I bet she picked it b/c of the flower.

Barb tells me that Molly knew exactly what she wanted to get me. Last year she picked a game that she wanted. This year she really DID buy something for me. That's a pretty abstract concept to talk about. On our way to Walmart, I had thrown out ideas for her but wan't sure she was grasping what I was talking about since Mother's Day was weeks away and buying gifts for others is kinda abstract too. I had said "flowers or a plant. Jewelry or a book." I just LOVE that she nailed it with this necklace that I will never take off :) Barb says that she picked the card too. I'm not sure exactly what goes on in my daughters head, but I think that she has a deeply feeling and sensitive heart and I love when it peeks out and shares itself with me. Now whenever she sees that the clasp of my necklace has migrated down around to the front, she reaches over and zips it back around to the back of my neck and fixes it for me.

On a total side note, cool things have been happening regarding the E Squared book. I'm learning that I really can streamline my energy towards positive thoughts and the outcome is crazy wild!  One of the exercises to prove that your thoughts can bring your reality is to picture seeing something throughout your day. The example was "Yellow butterfly" so I used that. That was the random spring day that it snowed! Not many butterflies flying around in the snow typically and yet I saw one!! It was a big fake one on the side of a house but a yellow butterfly none the less. Also a surprise phone call from a friend who had  4 tickets to the DU/UNC lax game (that were sold out when I called to purchase them). My dad "found" stock certificates that my grandmother had left to us 25 years ago that he had forgotten about in his safe. An out of the blue beautiful email from one of Jack's teachers singing his highest praises about what a great kid Jack is. I tell you...once the beauty starts rolling, it picks up momentum. I love it! Can I lure you to join me in trying yet?

Let's Create a Great Life for Ourselves!

I have never really had a set goal for how many blog posts I'd write, but figured it would happen at least twice a week. Lo and behold 10 days have past since my last post and I'm sorry about that. Squeezed in a four day heavenly girls trip to sunny, warm Texas where I was over fed, I over imbibed, and was pampered like I dream about. Having absolutely no responsibilities other than my own happiness took about 3 seconds to relax into. Thank you, Priscilla! As I have gotten older, I have learned to fully appreciate the power of a women's getaway. Creating a cohesive, no drama group is the key to it's success. Yummy cocktails help too. Deep Eddy grapefruit Vodka out of Austin! YUM!! Having a few women with great senses of humor and funny story telling skills is icing on the cake. I came home refreshed and everything that was bugging me about my family prior to my departure, had miraculously disappeared!

My new favorite book

One (of the many) great thing about a girls trip is that inevitably you hear about a great read. I was the lame-o early to bed gal of the group and bowed out of the late night festivities before everyone else each night (Hey now, I lasted 'til midnight at least one of the nights), which meant on the flip side that I was the first one up. This left me with quiet mornings by myself to drink coffee and read by the pool. That is my favorite time of day in my own home, to get up before the kids and have a quiet mental space to prepare for the hours ahead. I spotted this book on the table. I bet that you have a friend like this. Anything that Ashley touts....my ears perk up. She might mention a great restaurant,  a website to check out,  the best handy man or hairdresser, to the coolest family traditions. If you need great info....Ash is the one to turn to. Plus she is hilarious and fun and easy to be with. AND she has 5 kids ranging in ages from 22 years old down to 2 years old so she has seen it all and her wisdom overfloweth. She had left this book by the pool, and since mine wasn't grabbing me, I picked it up and was drawn in immediately.

The title says it all "Nine do-it-yourself energy experiments that PROVE your thoughts create your reality." Each experiment costs nothing and they only take 2 days a piece to create. That's my kind of experiment. The story that got my immediate attention was the author was grappling with the desire to be a full time writer but wasn't sure if she could make a living at it. She wrote part time and had another part time paying job. She decided to try the experiment by asking the universe to give her a clear sign if she should be a full time writer or not. She got fired from her job the next day! I love that story. Normally, you would be devastated by that turn of events. For her, it was the clear sign that she needed to be a full time writer...and the gigs started coming in. It's all a matter of perspective, right?

I find myself in a similar state. After 20 years as a massage therapist, I was ready for a change and was thrilled when a cool job with a start up company landed in my lap last fall. Well that paid job came to a screeching halt in April (which isn't all that surprising with a start up company) and with summer knocking on my door and the kids still needing me, this is not the time to be interviewing for a "real job". So this is the PERFECT time to start creating my new reality with my thoughts :) Want to do it with me? The more of us the better I think!

My ideal job would be an undercover writer for spa magazines where I travel the globe, receive spa treatments (I'm an expert at that since I gave them for 20 years), and then write about the experiences. I'd get to travel, I'd get massages, I'd sit by the oceans of the world, and I'd get to write. All loves of mine. Perfect!

I'd also love to create communities....and my vision isn't quite crystal clear yet. Having grown up at a boarding school, I picture the community dining hall for meals. Yes, I'm sick of cooking. My FB friends know that. I picture community living for not just the retirees (over 50 communities) but also for families. Sharing meals is powerful! Most importantly, I'd love to create communities for adults with disabilities where they can meaningfully contribute to the best of their abilities and live a life with purpose. Organic farming? Car Washing? I want Molly to be surrounded by others where I know that even when we are gone, she will have support. I don't want to impose her challenges on her brother (or his future spouse) for daily living. He will always be there for her to oversee and support her and if he WANTS her to live with him...that's another story completely.

Lastly, if this "thoughts create my reality" is true (and I believe that it is) can I push it just a tad by getting you all to help me envision the game winning goal for Jack's state playoff lacrosse game tonight? Cheyenne Mountain is ranked 8th and they are playing the #1 seed Wheat Ridge at 7 pm. We can win this game and I have seen it in my minds eye :) Go Indians!!

"Bigfoot" hauled us around the ranch. I look pretty happy waving, don't I?