Over the last week, I have seen picture after picture of Molly's peers heading off to college and their new lives. I think the picture of our friends (who we met in Lamaze class) daughters' first day was the tipping point to my reality that Molly is not leaving like the others. I see their dorm rooms, I see their new roommates, I see their beautiful campuses. I recall the excitement from my own first day off to college and know that these kids have so much to look forward to. In fact, I met my best friend Jenny on the first day of college as we were put together as roommates at Guilford College in Greensboro, NC. Before I met her face to face, I recall perusing her unpacked piles in our tiny dorm room trying to make out if she was someone that I would get along with. She had a sheepskin rug. So did I! When she walked into the room with her parents, upon returning from lunch, she was wearing a cartouche necklace with her name in hieroglyphics (and I was too)! She had an older boyfriend; so did I. We stayed up late into the night talking and discovering so many similarities and have remained close ever since, even though she lives in North Carolina and I live in Colorado.
19 years ago she and her husband took a long road trip out west and stopped over with us for a week. We broke the exciting news to them that I was newly pregnant with Molly! Jenny found out shortly there after that that she was pregnant with Eliza. Our girls are 2 months apart in age but are vastly different in life experiences. Eliza is heading off to college today too. It's how it supposed to be. It was our early plan for Molly as well. And it hurts that it's not happening.
What would our daughter be like if she didn't have autism? What would her talking voice be like? What kind of friends would she bring home? Would she still like to clean up or would she be more like her brother and leave everything strewn behind her? Would she be funny? Or would she be on the quieter side? Would she share with me or keep me at arms length? Would she be an engineer or more of a party girl? Would she know what all the fashions are and fill me in or would she still be content with hand-me-downs and tshirts that have no tags? Would she be fickle with boys the way I was or would she commit to one and date him all the way through high school and college? Maybe she'd like girls? What would he/she look like? What would he/she act like? Would Molly be an athlete playing a sport in college? Would she get good grades like her dad or average to bad grades like her "social-ology" major mother? Would she join a sorority?
The "what if's" are killers and not worth contemplating. They make me cry. They appear infrequently thank goodness and yet they are a reality. I never know what is going to trigger the tears and hopefully all the colleges will have started soon so I don't need the gentle reminder that Molly is home to stay.....for a long while.
And yet.....I LOVE hearing about your kids new experiences. I never want you to not share with me because it might be painful. It is what it is and you will have your challenges too. I will do something along this journey called life that will trigger you to cry. So please don't shy away from sharing. We will weather the highs and lows together as that is what friendship and love is. And since you are already missing your college bound kids, I'll just say "Ha! I still have mine at home" :)
12 comments:
Oh Kathy! Great post. So glad you are back. And, in some very small way, I get what you are saying......My dad died 20 years ago, and I still get a little sting every now and again when I see people post pictures or talk about their Dad. I wonder, how would he have been as a grandpa, what would my parents be like today if he were here, etc etc. It doesn't mean I don't want to see those posts, it just means I sometimes need a moment to dwell in the sadness. We all know what a fantastic blessing Molly is to everyone she touches, but it is also okay to be sad in what her future is not going to be, but in the same breath be excited for what her future may be! Hang tough Mama. I can't wait to see what Molly does this year!
Leigh, you DO understand and thank you for hitting the nail on the head with the blessings as well as the sadness all in the same moment! Just writing it down helped relieve some of the weight. xo
One of the really tough things about having special kids like Molly (and Henry) is that we grieve over and over again...we grieve what's been taken from our dear children...from us...but, what I found with Henry was this...those painful missed milestones in life created the perfect window of opportunity to create new dreams for our kids. It takes time to power thru the grief process, as you so well know,my dearest autism sister...but in your sadness and new loss, new dreams for Molly will take shape in your mind and heart...I would love to be an ear for you during this process...I think I can understand what you are feeling...love you!
Beautifully written blog post Kathy. I will again beg you to consider writing a book! Your life experiences would make an insightful and heartfelt novel that I would love to read. You have a way of writing that draws people in and makes "us" (well, me) feel like we are right there with you witnessing the swimming pool days, school struggles and triumphs, social events, and the kid milestones - for both Molly and Jack....etc. Thanks for sharing your story, I look forward to each post.
Dana, you certainly understand the ups and downs, the fears and the triumphs. i feel lucky that my grief doesn't raise it's head very often which i'm thankful for. feeling the spectrum of emotions is good but i sure like the happy feelings better :) let's connect over wine soon.
Lisa, your words of encouragement mean everything to me and i just need to GET MOVING on how to find a publisher and just do it! I don't have a job excuse right now so I have time.... I'll sign your copy ;)
Kathy
Thanks for this ..puts things into perspective .. We just don't know what the life plan is ..but we do know It is what it is ...
Jenny
true, true jenny! we each get nailed at some point along the road (as you well know) and we just try and make the best of it! xo
ugh dang it now I'm crying. ;) Thank you for writing - it helps me process my feelings too. Facebook can be a hard place for comparisons, and especially hard in some seasons and situations. It's hard to see what other friend's 7 year olds are doing now. hugs and love to you and Molly.
sweet becky, autism soul sister. i always feel like i have to tell you that it DOES get better....but i guess we never truly get over the grief process and get hit with it at random times. it's a game of appreciating the good days and trying to focus on those the most. love to you during this journey. xo
Beautifully said. Your Voice is strong enough for you and Molly. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Jennifer!!
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