Insert foot in mouth!

When you have a non verbal child, you get used to the silence in the car.  This allows me to play the music that I want to play, or more commonly, turn off the radio so that there is just heavenly silence. You get used to having a daughter that is with you who isn't actively participating in the dinner table conversations. She is with us and yet is a bit of a shadow. That might sound mean to say and as I try to find words to put to this particular situation, I find that it's a bit hard to describe. I can say a bad word...and she won't repeat it. I can gossip and she won't repeat it. I can share my deepest secret and she won't repeat it. There is a gift in that. She is a confidante of the highest measure.

So after 17 years of this scenario, as well as never knowing for sure exactly how much she truly understands (as her auditory processing disorder has made verbal language difficult); we say a lot of things in front of Molly. Sometimes it bites me; like it did last night. We were at Larkburger for a lacrosse dinner fundraiser. Jack was sitting with all of his high school buddies and Brooke, Molly and I were at a separate  table with another mom. We were chatting with her per usual about lacrosse, school, jobs and her older college aged sons. I asked if either were coming home for the summer and how wild that must be that she only has a few more years with kids under her roof. She mentioned that that will be sad for us too with Jack heading off to college in 3 years. I said "Well, we will probably have Molly living with us for the rest of her life, so that's good". At that same moment, Jack  and his buddy came over to our table saying that they were going to run next door to get a Keva juice and off they went. When I turned to look at Molly she was bawling...tears streaming down her face as she wiped them away. It was one of those "trying to stay quiet" cries but her lip was quivering and she was SO sad. We immediately thought that she wanted a Keva juice too and was sad that Jack  hadn't invited her to go. We were finished with dinner so we headed over there to get her one. Jack felt so badly upon seeing her that way thinking that he had caused her tears. He sweetly rubbed her back and tried all his best funny moves to get her to smile. She settled down once she had her smoothie and seemed a little better but then the tears would start again. So we knew that it wasn't the drink that had upset her.

Brooke looked at me and whispered "Do you think that is was your comment about her living at home forever?" And I knew in my gut that he was right. UGH!! OF COURSE that would upset her. It would upset any 17 year old. Who the heck wants to live at home with their parents forever? Not me for sure! Not even my daughter with autism who can't cross a street by herself. I knew that we would need to have a nice mother/daughter talk when I put her to bed.

By bedtime, she was her typical happy self and I was nervous about bringing up the incident. So easy to just move along and pretend that it didn't happen. Plus she has such a hard time expressing herself that I wasn't sure how this was going to go and I didn't want to drum up something if I had been wrong and maybe this was just girly hormones? I feel like randomly crying sometimes when my period is days away so maybe that was the issue? She was tucked in bed and I crawled in beside her "Molly, can we talk about tonight and what made you sad at dinner?". Her lip started quivering again and tears started streaming down her face. I hate seeing her sad. Even harder is that she can't tell me why she is sad. That stupid "why" word is so hard for her but I tried it anyway. Maybe one day she'll be able to answer. "Why are you sad?". She used her talker and said "Crying" (I can see that). "Did it make you sad when mommy said that you would live at home for the rest of your life?" She nodded her head and said "Yes" with her mouth!! "Sweetie, I know that you probably want the same things that every other girl wants. You want to date and have roommates in a home away from dad and me. You might even want to go to college and have your own family, right?". She nodded. (Good grief...she IS processing way more than I had imagined!) It's scary to even verbalize these concepts and put them into her thinking (but maybe they are already there?) as I don't think that she can be a mommy or go to college. But am I limiting her when I think this? Or am I being realistic? I have no idea. "Dad and I will do our best to support you in whatever your dreams are. I am so sorry that I upset you. When you were little, you didn't seem to understand what we said to you. Sometimes I forget that you understand us now and I was being insensitive. We would love to have you live with us forever but if you want to live somewhere else, we will work to make that happen".

"Any ideas where you'd want to live?" She clicks around on her talker and it says "Georgia"!! What the heck? That totally cracks me up and I have NO idea why she loves Georgia? We drove through it a few years ago on our way to the beaches of NC. We stayed with a friend in Atlanta (maybe she remembers that?). When I asked her what about Georgia she likes she said "Pool". Did we even swim at a pool there? There are pools everywhere...why Georgia? Past life issues maybe? :)

So there we have it. Either I shut up around her about living with us forever OR we get serious about a cool group home where she can thrive. I hope we can find one on the beaches of Georgia :)