Spencer: A Special Friendship and Special Olympics Prom!

Kids like mine don't really have friends per se. Molly adores other kids and my guess is that she wishes that she could have sleep overs and hang out after school with a best friend and text her back and forth about the random things that teenagers share...but it hasn't really happened that way. So having a special friend, that also has autism, has been a gift to everyone involved. We met Spencer when both he and Molly were really little (6 and 3 years old) and we shared an ABA therapist (Stacy Richardson; you read about her in an earlier post). Spencer's parents were also in a parent group with us, where we shared ideas and found camaraderie in the unique worlds of parenting kids with autism. We could laugh and cry together and we all understood exactly what each others lives looked and felt like. Mostly, we shared information on the latest therapy or alternative doctor that we had found. We all tried everything: from ABA therapy, to special diets, to vitamin therapies, to whatever might help our kids get better! And to be perfectly honest..it wasn't a parent group, it was a mom group, as we all had to leave our husbands at home to care for the kids while we scooted out. You've heard me say it before: tag team. It's the only way we could operate and probably not the best method to keep a marriage alive, but we were all in survival mode.

We lost touch for many years once the kids entered the different school systems and reconnected about 10 years later when both Molly and Spencer started in a weekly social group/speech therapy session. It's composed of all teenagers (and older)  that communicate with augmentative devices. It was in these weekly gatherings that the sparks began to fly :)

They both look forward to their weekly group speech therapy session.

When I am with Molly and Spencer, it doesn't necessarily feel like they have crushes on each other (although the picture above kinda says otherwise).  Maybe Molly is a lot like me in hiding those overt, scary feelings of vulnerability? I tell my son the story that when I was in 4th grade, and new to Grymes Memorial School in Orange, Virginia, I had the biggest secret crush on a little towhead boy named Jeff Cowherd. But what I told everyone was that I had a crush on Billy Novak to throw them off. Not sure why that helped me as I still was teased about Billy (but I knew in my heart who my real crush was and was still safe?). What kind of crazy head games was I playing with myself....and poor Billy?!! I hadn't really grown out of that "hide my biggest crush" feelings even when I started dating Brooke!! :) So maybe Molly comes by this behavior genetically? "Don't look at him or talk to him and all will be fine."

It all started three months before Spencer's 19th b'day a couple of years ago (he's a MUCH older man in teenage life: by 3 years). His mom Cheryl had asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate. He is semi verbal and can answer questions. He also will repeat what you have said (echolalia). So I say "You look so skinny and beautiful" a lot. Just kidding...I don't make him say that. :) He talks, as well as uses his device to type sentences, and uses his iPad to track flight schedules to Paris. I hope that he'll take Molly (and me) one day. Je parle francais. He is sweet and gentle despite towering over me at 6'2".  His mom tells me that he has a few quirky habits: like downloading game after game on his computer until there is no memory left.  Or always having 6 highlighters, 5 tubes of chapstick, 2 post-it pads, a wallet, an ipod and a cell phone in his pockets.  Always.  How does he sit sometimes?!  Or complaining when his mom has to do a last minute something that he has not put on his schedule, and then mutters that he has to change the date of watching a movie he was going to watch during that time to another day, when he could just watch it when they got home. 

So back to Spencer's answer for his birthday fun. "Date with Molly".  He wanted to take her out for Chinese food and then back to his house to open presents and have cake and ice cream. He told me what he was going to order for her dinner (something that he liked, which was sweet and all, but she wouldn't have eaten any of it) so I told him that he'd be safe ordering fried rice for her. Their first date was a huge success and we have been trying to get them together monthly (or so) ever since.

One interesting observation from my table with Cheryl across the empty restaurant from our kids, was that when the food was brought to the table, both Molly and Spencer just sat there looking at the heaping piles of food but did not dish it onto their own plates. They looked. They sat. And they sat. Empty plates in front of them. It was my wake up call that we must prompt Molly through her meals. "Do you want more?" when her plate is empty and we automatically give her more. It was funny for me to see that Spencer was the same way. So often we deal with the same autism issues but don't really realize what it's like in others' homes. So even though we moms tried to give them their personal "away from parents date space", we had to tag team going over to their table and dishing up more food onto their plates. Sigh. They will starve if they get married.

Animated movies are always a hit with these two. Taking pictures...not so much.

Getting ready for a hike.

Halloween Party

Another hike in Red Rock Canyon.

That awkward before the Prom photo.

They agreed to dinner at Wild Ginger. Quietest dinner I've ever had with two other people.

I prompted them to hold hands and it sure is cute.

Molly was all about the glasses. Spencer wasn't so sure about the mustache. Chinstache.

A little break while the DJ rested.

I prompted this too. Spencer didn't move the entire song. Veerrrrry slow dancing. :)

We found out about prom on Wednesday and asked Spencer's mom if he could go. He's a good kid and I feel equipped to deal with his special issues and an evening with me in charge was something that I knew that I could handle. I'm sure that his mom Cheryl feels the same way with Molly. I also know that we have a mutual understanding that even if something goes terribly wrong, we would each be able to manage it fine. And we wouldn't hold it against the other as we know that these things just come with the territory. And I'll be honest....we parents don't feel like imposing our kids on just anyone as we aren't sure you can handle it :) Or you will judge us for how our kid is acting. Or you will hold it against us if something really embarrassing happens. Especially in the early years.

Special Olympics Prom is the best dance that you as a parent can ever attend. The kids WANT you there and the kids NEED you there (unlike your traditional proms where we are banned from within a one mile radius of the school). It's the only prom where mothers can slow dance with their daughters and no one bats an eye.  It's the prom where parents can invite the awkward teenager who is standing alone watching the dancing but doesn't have the social skills to come dance with the crowd. Girls can dance with girls. Boys can dance with boys. I saw a number of fun moms and dads go lure the solo kids to the dance floor. I might have even done that too. The DJ played all the fun dancing songs that had people line dancing as well as solo dancing. YMCA. The Electric Slide. It was fun.

Molly is a dancing queen. She LOVES music and has learned a lot of crazy moves that I can only guess she picked up from TV and the movies (or her father). She busts a move. Spencer, on the other hand, stood as still as a gigantic Redwood tree peering over everyones head. He didn't smile. He didn't move. So when I asked if he'd like to come sit down and watch from a comfortable position, he said "No". I guess he liked being in the thick of it all? During the break at 8:30 (halfway through the dance), I asked him what time he'd like to go home. He's always checking his watch and time is an important thing to him. I was thinking that he'd say "Now" as it didn't appear to me that he was having any fun at all. Wasn't sure how I was going to break it to Molly. So I was surprised when he said "10 o'clock" (when the dance was scheduled to be over). So when the DJ started up again, the kids returned to the dance floor; Molly grooving and Spencer standing.

We saw Zach and a number of other kids from Molly's Special Olympic swim team there. I lured Zach over to do "the bump" (the only dance move that I recall from my 80's repertoire). You know, you bump hips and slowly move closer to the ground bumping hips all the way down? He's a pretty short teenager so we bumped about two times before I couldn't go any lower. After that, Zach wouldn't leave me alone and he was my dance partner for the rest of the night. He stood with his arm around my waist like we had been dating for years. His mom later said "You should be flattered. I don't think that Zach realizes that you are a mom". Ha! That made my night :)

So here are my lingering thoughts regarding these two. They don't talk on the phone. They don't email each other. Molly doesn't bring him up. She gets excited on Wednesday's when she knows that we are going to speech therapy. She's excited when I tell her that we have coordinated a get together. She blushes when teased by her brother about him. But I'd love to see HER initiate that contact. I'd love for HER to be able to reach out to him and connect during a random moment of her choosing. I'd even love for her to get a kiss. One that makes her toes curl. If you can't talk, you might as well kiss :)