20 Years is a long time!!

Brooke awoke at his typical 5 am today (I'm not going to miss this chaotic, stressful orthopedic sales job when his last day arrives on Friday and he moves back into pharmaceutical sales). We are so used to these very early mornings that my body automatically awakens then even on the weekends! This was certainly not the case 20 years ago when we got married. I was a night owl who loved to sleep in late. A lot has changed in 20 years.

Post Bachelor Party Golf Tournament. Brooke was a little green this day.

Rehearsal. Might have to cut my hair like that again soon.

In many ways, it feels like life has sped at mock speed since our wedding day. Other days, it has crept.  June 18th, 1994 was a beautiful, sunny, muggy day in Virginia. Our friends and families took over the Woodberry Forest School campus for the weekend. My parents had both taught there since I was one year old,  I had even attended the all male school as a 9th and 10th grader (3rd and 4th former as they say at The Forest), so the campus felt (and still feels) like home. We filled the dorms Dowd and Finch with guests who got to experience boarding school bunk bed life. We strategically booked the wedding between WFS graduation and when summer school and sports camp would start.  We had the campus to ourselves and dispersed over the golf course, tennis courts, and hung by the pool playing volleyball and swimming. It was THE PERFECT place for our active friends and family to have a fun weekend. I will cherish the memories of that weekend forever. (OJ Bronco chase and all).

The Woodberry chapel was beautiful albeit very hot. Most of the campus didn't have AC then and we were all dripping with sweat, most especially Brooke's uncle Terry Smith (pastor at First Congregational Church in Ann Arbor, Michigan) who was the minister officiating our ceremony. We wrote our own vows that I am looking at now in our wedding album. These quotes stand out to me. Oh how naive we were. "Brooke, I will stay skinny and fun, even when you are grumpy after long days at work. I will have a delicious dinner waiting for you every night and will keep my legs shaved for all the sex we will have weekly." Ha! He wishes. I didn't really say that but I do appreciate my optimism with this next real quote. "I want to take your hand and explore the world". I guess we have done a little of that but I sure hope we can up the ante the next 20 years. "I'll try to hike the fourteeners, ski the bumps, scale the cliffs, scuba dive and whatever is next" (autistic daughter, brother with a TBI, good jobs, bad jobs, no jobs). I have been a terrible wife in this regard. Brooke is an avid outdoorsman who loves to mountain bike and get his heart rate pumping. I'm more of a Zen yoga or pilates type. Mountain biking the narrow paths scare me and though I love a good hike, fourtneers are an all day commitment. "Ski the bumps" had to have been a joke or I was overly optimistic that I'd want to ski more as we got older. I'm a beach girl at heart and prefer sand, sun, and ocean waves to snow and lots of gear. In the early 1990's, we quickly realized that I could ski the blues, he'd ski the black mogul runs and we'd meet at the lift to ride up together. Then we created our maniac snowboarder Jack and I have easily handed over the "ski the bumps" torch to him. "Scale the cliffs" rock climbing disappeared when we had kids. "Scuba diving" needs to come back into our lives as that means we are at an ocean somewhere and I am in heaven.

I like this part "And when there are troubles, I will stand with you. Where there are storms, we will weather them together." And there have been storms. Glad we didn't see those coming on our perfect wedding day. Some really dark, hazardous ones and my man has been my rock through them all. Brooke is a man of his word. He is a hard worker. He is loyal to his family and he would do anything for us. I admire him for these traits and I don't give him enough daily credit for them. Many days all I can see (and hear) is his loud swishy swallowing and eating, his shuffling in his slippers across the floor, seeing his unorganized desk and work bench piled high with crap that only he knows where items are, his grumpy end of day exhaustion that we get to live with but everyone else gets to see his funny, and how I am the only one that brings up stuff that we need to work on, which makes me feel like the bad guy. Granted we need to work on communicating better as even I suck at that. Lastly, he is not a dreamer. Any time I fantasize about a trip to Europe or a cool home addition project, he just shoots it down with a "we can't afford that". I know that we can't now but I love to be able to dream and hope for and wish for. I want a partner that will play that game with me not feel threatened as the provider about it. And as I re-read this I'm kind of shocked to see how short a list I have after 20 years together. It could be A LOT worse. And most of the items are MY freaky hypersensitive ear I.need.to.be.medicated issues.

Since this is my blog and Brooke will only read about this when he gets home from work tonight, before he takes me out for a delicious splurge dinner at the Broadmoor (he didn't say "we can't afford that!"), I'll just hypothesize what he wants to see more of in our next 20 years and what Kathy traits bug him. He wants me to exercise more. He'd love for me to go mountain biking, skiing, hiking with him. He'd love for me to look good in a bikini again. He'd love to actually watch the same TV with me instead of him watching sports on one and me watching HGTV, The Bachelor, or a Bravo show on another. He'd like me to drink less wine. I know that I need to drink less wine but maybe if I were happier, I wouldn't drink as much. :) He'd love more intimacy. I'd love that too but I define intimacy with the mental/heart connection instead (i.e. we need to talk...to each other). He'd like me to complain less about having to cook three.meals.a.day. He'd like me to take over stressing about the bills. He'd like me to get a high paying job. He'd like for me to be more supportive of his high stress job. Gosh, I can think of A LOT more reasons he'd want out of this marriage after 20 years :)

Though our marriage could use a lot of work, I am proud to say that where we have done a great job together as a team has been in creating two great kids. We co-parent well. We are a united front. Where one of us is weak, the other is strong. Where Brooke can help with Jack's math (I bowed out in 5th grade), I can navigate the  school autism stuff. When Molly's issues make me crazy, Brooke whisks her out of the house for a hike. When Jack is learning to mountain bike big terrain with his dad, I drive them to the waaaay up trail head so that they can have fun biking down. Same with skiing; they get dropped at the base of the mountain instead of having to navigate parking. We have perfected the art of the tag team. When one has kid duty, the other gets to go do something fun: book club, girls weekend away, lunch with a friend, yoga class, etc for me. For Brooke, he is off on a mountain bike ride or day skiing or a random night out with the boys. We are good at this and yet we have fallen into a rut. We don't have regular date nights and we need that. It's time to reinvent our relationship and I think that the 20 year mark is a great time to do it.

So cheers to making it for 20 years Brooke Bell!! I knew when we met that you would make an excellent father and it's truly one of the reasons that I said "Yes". I knew that you would always be up for adventures and fun and that drew me in too. You still make me laugh all these years later, and I hope that on our hot date night tonight, we can talk and plan for how we make the next 20 years even better!! I know that we can do it. I love you!

The happy couple: June 18, 1994

I haven't worn hose since that day :)

Ahh Summer time.... is ALREADY making me crazy!

It's been 17 days since Molly finished her junior year. 17 loooong days. I'll be honest....I've GOT to spend this next year creating a life for her post high school that doesn't entail her hanging around the house looking at me for interaction and for me to create her fun for the rest of her life. You will have to admit me to the looney bin if that happens. I also will go crazy if I have to witness her OCD pattern of taking out the trash every hour even if it's only 1/4 full, refilling Tucker's food 5 times a day, and if she dumps one of our drinks that we've only had 2 sips from again....one of us is going to LOSE it. And that crazy person might be her very patient brother Jack. I rarely buy soda for the kids, but do so on special occasions, like recently when friends were coming for dinner to celebrate the last day of school. So a can of Mountain Dew is pure gold for my 15 year old son. Imagine taking only one sip, setting it down to go into the other room for a minute, and when you return, your full can of nectar has already been dumped down the sink by our recycler extraordinaire and the can has been efficiently put into the recyle bin. I might have had the same head popping off reaction with my freshly made rum and pineapple juice cocktail that got dumped. The twisting of the knife in the wound was that I had no more juice to mix another drink! I do appreciate her efficiency but it's tipped over to the extreme. Time to nip the behavior. It's always nipping behaviors in this home.

Jack successfully nipped another recent pattern where she'd go into his bathroom first thing in the morning, use his towel to wipe off the counter tops and toilet seat (nice!), and then neatly rehang the towel. Yes, you can picture the next thing that happened....he'd sleepily wake up to get ready for school, stumble into the bathroom to take a shower, and then USE the nasty towel to dry himself oblivious to what had happened prior. I'm not sure who figured out that she was doing this, but Jack quickly created a way to test if she had been in there or not by hanging his towel in a weird way that she would never replicate. In the morning, if it was hanging neatly, he knew that she had been down and tidied up. He then would go and get a clean towel before taking his shower.

Have I mentioned the verbal stim and how it's making me crazy? I know that I have as it got a little FB conversation going and maybe stifled my future sharing abilities a bit. A mean-ish slap down had me rethinking this whole blog thing. But I've recovered and will persevere. Not everyone will like what I have to say and that is OK. So back to the verbal stim. Picture this: Upon entering Molly's bedroom, your ears will be assaulted with sounds from a variety of sources. She has her TV on the Disney Channel, she has her school iPad playing a 3 minute free video clip off of Disney, and then she has her home iPad blaring music. She has the little itouch that died last month sitting there too and she will pretend that that is her phone. I can't stay in there with the loud assault of too many confusing sounds on my ears. It's mass confusion and how can she possibly know what she is listening too? When the 3 minute video ends, she restarts it or finds another freebie. I think that she has to make her verbal aaaAAHHHHHH to cover the confusion? I KNOW that I need to remove at least one of those iPads.....okay, okay...I'll go do that now. She spends too many hours alone in her room and though that makes it easy for me, I also have horrible guilt about it. I'd rather she had something meaningful to do with her time. Like read a book. Or maybe sit in silence and meditate. I think her brain might like that and thank me.

What's hard with a special needs child is that I can't say "Go find a friend", "Go hang at the park", "Go play outside"or even "Go play X Box" (something Jack has NEVER heard me say :)). She isn't like her 17 year old peers driving around going to the movies or to the pool or just chatting at each others homes. EVERYTHING that she does entails ME, or Brooke, or Jack. When you have little kids, you are used to being that person that hauls the kid around and meets their every need. But you also know that your kid will grow up and start having a lot more freedom from you (by 5th grade even!!). We don't have that. I'm scared to think that I never will! I still make every meal for Molly. Every meal. Maybe this is why I'm sick of cooking?

So the key to both Molly's happiness and mine is to keep her actively engaged. She loves hiking, so one of us a day tries to get her out on the trails. She loves to swim, so weather permitting, we try and get to the pool. So there, we have 3  to 4 hours of our day taken care of.....that leaves a lot of down time. Too much down time. 9 hours of summer school per week starts this week and having that schedule will be awesome. Molly LOVES to use her brain, have a routine, and school is the perfect place to push her. Tuesday...please get here fast!

                                                                               

Overlooking "The punch bowl" in Aspen on our way home from the Special Olympics swim meet. Note the Gold medal and ribbon. And the twins. :)

Dave interview Fall 2013

Happy 46th Birthday, Dave!

Our 25th wedding Anniversary gift to Mom and Dad

Mom and Dave this past Mother's Day

Dave's graduation from Denison

I will never forget the call that sent a primal scream out of my mouth and had me collapsing to the hotel room floor in Santa Fe, NM January 14th, 2001. I was on a desperately needed girls get away weekend with a few of my dearest friends. Molly was just 4 years old and Jack was 2. We had had a fabulous Friday night of dinner and cocktails which  had lead to a slow start on Saturday morning when I got the call. Brooke sounded solemn and told me that my brother, my best friend, the person who could make me laugh the most, was fighting for his life in the San Fran General ICU. In the wee hours of the night before, he had fallen 10 feet into a driveway and had suffered a severe Traumatic Brain Injury. They could not tell me if he'd still be alive by the time I hopped a plane to San Fran and rushed to his side. I cried and prayed for him to stay alive the entire route there. Years later he told me that from his coma state he could hear me saying "You CAN NOT leave me. You CAN NOT leave me". What's amazing is that those were the exact words that I prayed over and over again and had never told him! He recalls Heaven too but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

It was bad. They had removed the entire left side of his skull to relieve the brain swelling. We were told that he would never walk, never talk, never be able to feed himself again. His quality of life, were he to actually survive, would be grim. They gave us little hope. I'm sure the doctors thought that we were just crazy as we didn't want to hear or believe anything that they told us. Denial is a blessing I suppose. Our brother Jay created an email blog to keep friends and family far and wide updated on Dave's daily progress. (This was 13 years ago just as the internet was becoming more mainstream. The hospital didn't have anywhere to plug in for the internet if that gives you any idea of how long ago this was. Jay couldn't read the outpouring of supportive emails that came in daily or update everyone on Dave's current condition, until we got back to the apartment at night. His blog was essentially a model for the first Caring Bridge. He should have started that business). Our request for prayers was for "a complete recovery". We wanted the funny Dave that we all knew and loved to come back. We couldn't picture anything else. He was too big a presence. He was the life of a party. He was the funny guy that fed everyone near and far endless shit. He could find our most embarrassing weaknesses, call us out about it publicly, and we would laugh in hysterics. He had a unique ability to tease and make you love him even more. He drew everyone in. If I tried to tease someone about their balding head and ugly shirt....I'd just come off looking like a meany. He'd have the person rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. It was truly a gift to behold.

As I write about our past, I'm not even sure I will be able to do this. It is not often that I let myself go back to what we used to have.  The early years after Dave's accident, that took his speech and ability to banter and tease, were most definitely the hardest. I missed him terribly. What made me feel guilty about that was the fact that he was still alive and we talked weekly. Dave was still here but in many ways he wasn't the Dave that I had grown up with. It's a hard dynamic to explain but all of his buddies know exactly what I'm saying. I missed the weekly phone call that would start with a noise that he and his fraternity brothers would make. It's kind of a farting noise that they make out of the sides of their mouths. I'd answer the phone (pre caller ID) and that was the noise I'd hear. No "Hello Kath, this is Dave". Simply a "BBbbrrrrrrrrrr". It would bring an immediate smile to my face as I knew that I had Dave to laugh with for a bit. I loved his prankster stories. I loved his genuine love of people. He was a good guy. He also wanted to hear about my kid filled life. He cared about my daily struggles as a mom and he'd try and pep me up. I lived the wild life vicariously through him and his stories of travels and late nights at the bars and new girlfriend crushes. I was dealing with autism and therapists, and diapers, and life as a young and frazzled parent. He was the breath of fresh air that I looked forward to connecting with.

Today, Dave is still a good guy and I can safely say that I admire him more than anyone. He has worked his ass off to get better. He has defied the odds. EVERYTHING was taken from him and yet he smiles every day. His positive outlook is impressive to behold despite his significant challenges. Pre accident his passion was golf. He played whenever he could. He couldn't afford his passion but that didn't stop him from playing :) He was also an excellent squash player. He'd beat you at any bar game too (darts, pool......). With his TBI, he no longer has use of his dominant right hand and has learned to be a leftie. He has foot drop on the right foot so has a brace that stabilizes his foot. The miracle is that he can walk. The other miracle is that he can live on his own. He lived at The Bridge in Charlottesville, Va (for 5-6 years?) until we realized that he was taking care of others and really didn't need the supervision that we were paying an arm and a leg for. So our parents bought him a 2 bedroom condo in walking distance to the downtown mall. He can walk to his regular Friday night movie or live music during the warmer months. He is fun to follow around his local stomping grounds as he uses his only functional hand to fist bump those that he knows. He fist bumps the homeless man. Then he fist bumps the police officer. Then further down the way he waves at someone that works out at Gold's gym where he works 5 days a week cleaning the equipment. He doesn't remember anyone's name but he goes out of his way to say hello. He sadly has no sport in his life that he can actively participate in. I have asked if he'd enjoy just hanging out with friends while they play golf as he rides in the cart. He shakes his head "no". His love of golf was such a passion and it's just too hard to be out there and not play. Even trying to putt leftie is just depressing. No squash or tennis either. He does help the UVa lacrosse team one day a week which is great to hang out in that environment and be around fun guys and a sport that he loves. Thank you Coach Starsia. You have given Dave a gift by allowing him to be a part of a team and I will love you forever for that.

Dave has created a new life for himself that gives him happiness and purpose. He goes to church, he attends all of the UVa sporting events: football, basketball, and lacrosse. He has a group of childhood and high school friends who jam (banjo, guitar, mandolin etc) every Wednesday night at the Pickin' Shack and they let Dave hang out and listen to them. He sees every movie that comes out and gives me the update every Sunday when he calls. He continues to qualify for weekly speech therapy which is shocking 13 years post accident that his brain is STILL making progress. He most recently started adding a time line to his sentences. Would make me crazy in the past when he'd launch into a story with no timeframe reference. I'd have to scour my life to try and figure out if he was talking about our childhood, our Rehoboth Beach days, our Aspen days, his NYC or San Fran or Denver days.....or was he talking about now? A few weeks ago he told me "Yesterday, I went to ACAC to swim". Love that new speech skill! And you should watch that feat. YOU try and swim freestyle with only the use of one arm. I'd sink. He's still an athlete!

Pre accident, Dave was a ladies man. Post accident he seems very content to be single. He doesn't even want a pet. He has an amazing group of buddies that continue to invite him to their homes for visits. He gets to go to Baltimore this weekend for the NCAA lacrosse tournament to see his college buddies that he played lacrosse with at Denison. It's a fun annual weekend that he loves. The banter is back. The mouth fart noises will happen. He will laugh so hard that it will give him a headache. Knowing that he is with that group fills my heart. Those friends are true friends....through thick and thin. A true brotherhood.

So on this May 22 and Dave's 46th birthday, I'd like to say just how much I love and admire Dave. We had a uniquely close brother/sister bond that continues to this day. We have had to alter and make tweaks to our lives and I love that he has been through it all with me. I'm so appreciative that Mom and Dad are involved in helping Dave manage his life, his bills, his travels. They continue to be there for him which makes my life that much easier that I don't have to worry or coordinate for Dave. At some point, Jay and I will take on that role and who knows what the next steps will be. For now and maybe forever, Charlottesville is a GREAT place for Dave to live. He has a huge network of amazing support wherever he turns. I could never replicate that out here in Colorado for him.

Happy Birthday Dave!!

Baby David and me. That stroller makes us look REALLY old!

Basketball in high school. Nice shorts.

Dad's Smethurst Tour

Ran into Miles Lilly while playing for Denison

Fun times in Aspen with a few Denison buddies that had moved there too. And Buffie.

Golfing in San Fran with Dad and Jay

Aspen fun





I'll try and post the video that I took of Dave last year. As you can see, I'm still not able to put pictures exactly where I want them (those top 3 pictures are supposed to be lower) so we'll see if the video gets loaded.

Special Olympics: The effort is WAY more valuable than the outcome.

I had the perfect Mother's Day weekend! We had Jack's second round lacrosse playoff game to attend as well as Molly's Regional Special Olympic Swim meet the next day. Mother's Day is typically the day in Colorado where we are told that it is safe to finally plant our flowers and bulbs. This year it snowed up to a foot in some higher elevations! There was a collective moan heard far and wide across the state. It was the perfect excuse for me to stay in my PJ's ALL DAY and watch game after game of college lacrosse on ESPNU from the sofa. The boys shoveled off a section of the deck to grill yummy burgers for dinner for me and Jack cut up a fruit salad.  Really I've learned that anything is delicious when someone else makes it.  Watching my kids participate in sports and being fed by others are two of my favorite things in life! Thus the perfect weekend!!

Since I'm learning to not put any energy, thoughts, or efforts into negative things or people that bug me, I'm not going to even try and find the words to explain the ugly parent behavior of the #1 lacrosse team in our division. Suffice it to say that I was left feeling very disturbed by the state of high school sports and the ugliness that parents can portray even if their team is winning by a hefty margin. Their cheering that a boy on our team might have a serious head trauma ( there was a 3 minute penalty awarded the offense) just made me turn clear around in my seat to see who would act that way? Good sportsmanship (and humanity) is disappearing from the sidelines and it makes me very sad.

Luckily, we had this the next day.

Parade

Molly is in purple.

Juxtoposing Molly's Special Olympics Regional swim meet down in Pueblo was the refreshing dip into happiness that I needed to revive my belief in the good of humanity. We gathered at 9 am with the rest of our little Dolphins team dressed in purple. There were at least 20 teams from southern Colorado all there for the track and field events as well as the swimming. You have to participate in the Regional events to qualify for the State events held clear across the state in Grand Junction a month from now. In years past, during the opening ceremonies, everyone would walk one full lap around the track holding their banners and slowly trudging along. It took FOREVER. We were pleased to see that this year they only walked  1/4 of the track, as they paraded by us in the stands for photo ops, and then back tracked to the start.

Molly was entered in the 25 m and 50 m freestyle as well as the 50 m backstroke. Her freestyle looks like a breaststroke, so I'm still not clear why she's not entered in that category, yet she took first place both times? Her darling backstroke looks like a frog on his back about to drown, however she took second place in that!! She swims with a huge smile on her face the entire time and rarely sticks her face in the water. I don't think that I saw anyone with an actual flip turn at the end of the pool. They touch the wall and turn around to head back. Some even stand and jump off the bottom of the pool in the shallow end as they launch themselves into their final lap. All of these things I'm sure are illegal in your typical swim meets. Whenever any athlete got up on the starting blocks to dive, it would catch my attention, as most athletes start in the water. Diving is a pretty complex skill when you really start breaking it down so very few Special Olympians dive. I was touched by the efforts of those that attempted. There were a few smacking belly flops, as well as some that went straight down (thus not giving them any sort of distance advantage on the whistle). One fella looked like a giant upside down U as both his feet and his hands entered the water at the same time. Picture yourself touching your toes and then just hopping into the water in that position. Cute. I also loved the girl that kept her reading glasses on and swam her freestyle stroke keeping her face dry and out of the water as she looked left, then right, with every stroke of her arms.

Everyone cheered for everyone. The atmosphere was alive with smiles and praise. When Big Mike comes in last but throws his arms energetically above his head saying "I DID IT. I DID IT" and is so proud of himself, we all smile and are proud of him too. I wish that I would pat myself on the back more often at just making the effort, instead of feeling like I have to be in first or second place to matter.

1st place 25 m freestyle

All her ribbons with her cheering squad!

Seeing Jack sit in the bleachers for a change, cheering on his sister, melts my heart too. She spends SO MANY HOURS listening to her music with her headphones on in the sun, in the wind, in the snow, for his football and lacrosse games, that it great to see the support reciprocated. And he's happy to be there for her, even if it meant getting up at 7:30 am on a Saturday.

I couldn't tell if Molly was trying to win the races? She seems pleased with the process but I'm not sure if victory was her mission? She loves getting the ribbons. She even loves posing for these pictures. I get the sense that just being around others fills Molly, and of course seeing her thrive fills us.

I have to give a huge shout out "Thank You" to Molly's augmentative device speech therapist Barbara who took their group on a field trip to Walmart to shop for Mother's Day presents. The next week they wrapped them. On Mother's Day, Molly excitedly handed me the present and watched intently as I opened it.

My present

I love the words...but I bet she picked it b/c of the flower.

Barb tells me that Molly knew exactly what she wanted to get me. Last year she picked a game that she wanted. This year she really DID buy something for me. That's a pretty abstract concept to talk about. On our way to Walmart, I had thrown out ideas for her but wan't sure she was grasping what I was talking about since Mother's Day was weeks away and buying gifts for others is kinda abstract too. I had said "flowers or a plant. Jewelry or a book." I just LOVE that she nailed it with this necklace that I will never take off :) Barb says that she picked the card too. I'm not sure exactly what goes on in my daughters head, but I think that she has a deeply feeling and sensitive heart and I love when it peeks out and shares itself with me. Now whenever she sees that the clasp of my necklace has migrated down around to the front, she reaches over and zips it back around to the back of my neck and fixes it for me.

On a total side note, cool things have been happening regarding the E Squared book. I'm learning that I really can streamline my energy towards positive thoughts and the outcome is crazy wild!  One of the exercises to prove that your thoughts can bring your reality is to picture seeing something throughout your day. The example was "Yellow butterfly" so I used that. That was the random spring day that it snowed! Not many butterflies flying around in the snow typically and yet I saw one!! It was a big fake one on the side of a house but a yellow butterfly none the less. Also a surprise phone call from a friend who had  4 tickets to the DU/UNC lax game (that were sold out when I called to purchase them). My dad "found" stock certificates that my grandmother had left to us 25 years ago that he had forgotten about in his safe. An out of the blue beautiful email from one of Jack's teachers singing his highest praises about what a great kid Jack is. I tell you...once the beauty starts rolling, it picks up momentum. I love it! Can I lure you to join me in trying yet?

Let's Create a Great Life for Ourselves!

I have never really had a set goal for how many blog posts I'd write, but figured it would happen at least twice a week. Lo and behold 10 days have past since my last post and I'm sorry about that. Squeezed in a four day heavenly girls trip to sunny, warm Texas where I was over fed, I over imbibed, and was pampered like I dream about. Having absolutely no responsibilities other than my own happiness took about 3 seconds to relax into. Thank you, Priscilla! As I have gotten older, I have learned to fully appreciate the power of a women's getaway. Creating a cohesive, no drama group is the key to it's success. Yummy cocktails help too. Deep Eddy grapefruit Vodka out of Austin! YUM!! Having a few women with great senses of humor and funny story telling skills is icing on the cake. I came home refreshed and everything that was bugging me about my family prior to my departure, had miraculously disappeared!

My new favorite book

One (of the many) great thing about a girls trip is that inevitably you hear about a great read. I was the lame-o early to bed gal of the group and bowed out of the late night festivities before everyone else each night (Hey now, I lasted 'til midnight at least one of the nights), which meant on the flip side that I was the first one up. This left me with quiet mornings by myself to drink coffee and read by the pool. That is my favorite time of day in my own home, to get up before the kids and have a quiet mental space to prepare for the hours ahead. I spotted this book on the table. I bet that you have a friend like this. Anything that Ashley touts....my ears perk up. She might mention a great restaurant,  a website to check out,  the best handy man or hairdresser, to the coolest family traditions. If you need great info....Ash is the one to turn to. Plus she is hilarious and fun and easy to be with. AND she has 5 kids ranging in ages from 22 years old down to 2 years old so she has seen it all and her wisdom overfloweth. She had left this book by the pool, and since mine wasn't grabbing me, I picked it up and was drawn in immediately.

The title says it all "Nine do-it-yourself energy experiments that PROVE your thoughts create your reality." Each experiment costs nothing and they only take 2 days a piece to create. That's my kind of experiment. The story that got my immediate attention was the author was grappling with the desire to be a full time writer but wasn't sure if she could make a living at it. She wrote part time and had another part time paying job. She decided to try the experiment by asking the universe to give her a clear sign if she should be a full time writer or not. She got fired from her job the next day! I love that story. Normally, you would be devastated by that turn of events. For her, it was the clear sign that she needed to be a full time writer...and the gigs started coming in. It's all a matter of perspective, right?

I find myself in a similar state. After 20 years as a massage therapist, I was ready for a change and was thrilled when a cool job with a start up company landed in my lap last fall. Well that paid job came to a screeching halt in April (which isn't all that surprising with a start up company) and with summer knocking on my door and the kids still needing me, this is not the time to be interviewing for a "real job". So this is the PERFECT time to start creating my new reality with my thoughts :) Want to do it with me? The more of us the better I think!

My ideal job would be an undercover writer for spa magazines where I travel the globe, receive spa treatments (I'm an expert at that since I gave them for 20 years), and then write about the experiences. I'd get to travel, I'd get massages, I'd sit by the oceans of the world, and I'd get to write. All loves of mine. Perfect!

I'd also love to create communities....and my vision isn't quite crystal clear yet. Having grown up at a boarding school, I picture the community dining hall for meals. Yes, I'm sick of cooking. My FB friends know that. I picture community living for not just the retirees (over 50 communities) but also for families. Sharing meals is powerful! Most importantly, I'd love to create communities for adults with disabilities where they can meaningfully contribute to the best of their abilities and live a life with purpose. Organic farming? Car Washing? I want Molly to be surrounded by others where I know that even when we are gone, she will have support. I don't want to impose her challenges on her brother (or his future spouse) for daily living. He will always be there for her to oversee and support her and if he WANTS her to live with him...that's another story completely.

Lastly, if this "thoughts create my reality" is true (and I believe that it is) can I push it just a tad by getting you all to help me envision the game winning goal for Jack's state playoff lacrosse game tonight? Cheyenne Mountain is ranked 8th and they are playing the #1 seed Wheat Ridge at 7 pm. We can win this game and I have seen it in my minds eye :) Go Indians!!

"Bigfoot" hauled us around the ranch. I look pretty happy waving, don't I?

Spencer: A Special Friendship and Special Olympics Prom!

Kids like mine don't really have friends per se. Molly adores other kids and my guess is that she wishes that she could have sleep overs and hang out after school with a best friend and text her back and forth about the random things that teenagers share...but it hasn't really happened that way. So having a special friend, that also has autism, has been a gift to everyone involved. We met Spencer when both he and Molly were really little (6 and 3 years old) and we shared an ABA therapist (Stacy Richardson; you read about her in an earlier post). Spencer's parents were also in a parent group with us, where we shared ideas and found camaraderie in the unique worlds of parenting kids with autism. We could laugh and cry together and we all understood exactly what each others lives looked and felt like. Mostly, we shared information on the latest therapy or alternative doctor that we had found. We all tried everything: from ABA therapy, to special diets, to vitamin therapies, to whatever might help our kids get better! And to be perfectly honest..it wasn't a parent group, it was a mom group, as we all had to leave our husbands at home to care for the kids while we scooted out. You've heard me say it before: tag team. It's the only way we could operate and probably not the best method to keep a marriage alive, but we were all in survival mode.

We lost touch for many years once the kids entered the different school systems and reconnected about 10 years later when both Molly and Spencer started in a weekly social group/speech therapy session. It's composed of all teenagers (and older)  that communicate with augmentative devices. It was in these weekly gatherings that the sparks began to fly :)

They both look forward to their weekly group speech therapy session.

When I am with Molly and Spencer, it doesn't necessarily feel like they have crushes on each other (although the picture above kinda says otherwise).  Maybe Molly is a lot like me in hiding those overt, scary feelings of vulnerability? I tell my son the story that when I was in 4th grade, and new to Grymes Memorial School in Orange, Virginia, I had the biggest secret crush on a little towhead boy named Jeff Cowherd. But what I told everyone was that I had a crush on Billy Novak to throw them off. Not sure why that helped me as I still was teased about Billy (but I knew in my heart who my real crush was and was still safe?). What kind of crazy head games was I playing with myself....and poor Billy?!! I hadn't really grown out of that "hide my biggest crush" feelings even when I started dating Brooke!! :) So maybe Molly comes by this behavior genetically? "Don't look at him or talk to him and all will be fine."

It all started three months before Spencer's 19th b'day a couple of years ago (he's a MUCH older man in teenage life: by 3 years). His mom Cheryl had asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate. He is semi verbal and can answer questions. He also will repeat what you have said (echolalia). So I say "You look so skinny and beautiful" a lot. Just kidding...I don't make him say that. :) He talks, as well as uses his device to type sentences, and uses his iPad to track flight schedules to Paris. I hope that he'll take Molly (and me) one day. Je parle francais. He is sweet and gentle despite towering over me at 6'2".  His mom tells me that he has a few quirky habits: like downloading game after game on his computer until there is no memory left.  Or always having 6 highlighters, 5 tubes of chapstick, 2 post-it pads, a wallet, an ipod and a cell phone in his pockets.  Always.  How does he sit sometimes?!  Or complaining when his mom has to do a last minute something that he has not put on his schedule, and then mutters that he has to change the date of watching a movie he was going to watch during that time to another day, when he could just watch it when they got home. 

So back to Spencer's answer for his birthday fun. "Date with Molly".  He wanted to take her out for Chinese food and then back to his house to open presents and have cake and ice cream. He told me what he was going to order for her dinner (something that he liked, which was sweet and all, but she wouldn't have eaten any of it) so I told him that he'd be safe ordering fried rice for her. Their first date was a huge success and we have been trying to get them together monthly (or so) ever since.

One interesting observation from my table with Cheryl across the empty restaurant from our kids, was that when the food was brought to the table, both Molly and Spencer just sat there looking at the heaping piles of food but did not dish it onto their own plates. They looked. They sat. And they sat. Empty plates in front of them. It was my wake up call that we must prompt Molly through her meals. "Do you want more?" when her plate is empty and we automatically give her more. It was funny for me to see that Spencer was the same way. So often we deal with the same autism issues but don't really realize what it's like in others' homes. So even though we moms tried to give them their personal "away from parents date space", we had to tag team going over to their table and dishing up more food onto their plates. Sigh. They will starve if they get married.

Animated movies are always a hit with these two. Taking pictures...not so much.

Getting ready for a hike.

Halloween Party

Another hike in Red Rock Canyon.

That awkward before the Prom photo.

They agreed to dinner at Wild Ginger. Quietest dinner I've ever had with two other people.

I prompted them to hold hands and it sure is cute.

Molly was all about the glasses. Spencer wasn't so sure about the mustache. Chinstache.

A little break while the DJ rested.

I prompted this too. Spencer didn't move the entire song. Veerrrrry slow dancing. :)

We found out about prom on Wednesday and asked Spencer's mom if he could go. He's a good kid and I feel equipped to deal with his special issues and an evening with me in charge was something that I knew that I could handle. I'm sure that his mom Cheryl feels the same way with Molly. I also know that we have a mutual understanding that even if something goes terribly wrong, we would each be able to manage it fine. And we wouldn't hold it against the other as we know that these things just come with the territory. And I'll be honest....we parents don't feel like imposing our kids on just anyone as we aren't sure you can handle it :) Or you will judge us for how our kid is acting. Or you will hold it against us if something really embarrassing happens. Especially in the early years.

Special Olympics Prom is the best dance that you as a parent can ever attend. The kids WANT you there and the kids NEED you there (unlike your traditional proms where we are banned from within a one mile radius of the school). It's the only prom where mothers can slow dance with their daughters and no one bats an eye.  It's the prom where parents can invite the awkward teenager who is standing alone watching the dancing but doesn't have the social skills to come dance with the crowd. Girls can dance with girls. Boys can dance with boys. I saw a number of fun moms and dads go lure the solo kids to the dance floor. I might have even done that too. The DJ played all the fun dancing songs that had people line dancing as well as solo dancing. YMCA. The Electric Slide. It was fun.

Molly is a dancing queen. She LOVES music and has learned a lot of crazy moves that I can only guess she picked up from TV and the movies (or her father). She busts a move. Spencer, on the other hand, stood as still as a gigantic Redwood tree peering over everyones head. He didn't smile. He didn't move. So when I asked if he'd like to come sit down and watch from a comfortable position, he said "No". I guess he liked being in the thick of it all? During the break at 8:30 (halfway through the dance), I asked him what time he'd like to go home. He's always checking his watch and time is an important thing to him. I was thinking that he'd say "Now" as it didn't appear to me that he was having any fun at all. Wasn't sure how I was going to break it to Molly. So I was surprised when he said "10 o'clock" (when the dance was scheduled to be over). So when the DJ started up again, the kids returned to the dance floor; Molly grooving and Spencer standing.

We saw Zach and a number of other kids from Molly's Special Olympic swim team there. I lured Zach over to do "the bump" (the only dance move that I recall from my 80's repertoire). You know, you bump hips and slowly move closer to the ground bumping hips all the way down? He's a pretty short teenager so we bumped about two times before I couldn't go any lower. After that, Zach wouldn't leave me alone and he was my dance partner for the rest of the night. He stood with his arm around my waist like we had been dating for years. His mom later said "You should be flattered. I don't think that Zach realizes that you are a mom". Ha! That made my night :)

So here are my lingering thoughts regarding these two. They don't talk on the phone. They don't email each other. Molly doesn't bring him up. She gets excited on Wednesday's when she knows that we are going to speech therapy. She's excited when I tell her that we have coordinated a get together. She blushes when teased by her brother about him. But I'd love to see HER initiate that contact. I'd love for HER to be able to reach out to him and connect during a random moment of her choosing. I'd even love for her to get a kiss. One that makes her toes curl. If you can't talk, you might as well kiss :)