Happy 46th Birthday, Dave!

Our 25th wedding Anniversary gift to Mom and Dad

Mom and Dave this past Mother's Day

Dave's graduation from Denison

I will never forget the call that sent a primal scream out of my mouth and had me collapsing to the hotel room floor in Santa Fe, NM January 14th, 2001. I was on a desperately needed girls get away weekend with a few of my dearest friends. Molly was just 4 years old and Jack was 2. We had had a fabulous Friday night of dinner and cocktails which  had lead to a slow start on Saturday morning when I got the call. Brooke sounded solemn and told me that my brother, my best friend, the person who could make me laugh the most, was fighting for his life in the San Fran General ICU. In the wee hours of the night before, he had fallen 10 feet into a driveway and had suffered a severe Traumatic Brain Injury. They could not tell me if he'd still be alive by the time I hopped a plane to San Fran and rushed to his side. I cried and prayed for him to stay alive the entire route there. Years later he told me that from his coma state he could hear me saying "You CAN NOT leave me. You CAN NOT leave me". What's amazing is that those were the exact words that I prayed over and over again and had never told him! He recalls Heaven too but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

It was bad. They had removed the entire left side of his skull to relieve the brain swelling. We were told that he would never walk, never talk, never be able to feed himself again. His quality of life, were he to actually survive, would be grim. They gave us little hope. I'm sure the doctors thought that we were just crazy as we didn't want to hear or believe anything that they told us. Denial is a blessing I suppose. Our brother Jay created an email blog to keep friends and family far and wide updated on Dave's daily progress. (This was 13 years ago just as the internet was becoming more mainstream. The hospital didn't have anywhere to plug in for the internet if that gives you any idea of how long ago this was. Jay couldn't read the outpouring of supportive emails that came in daily or update everyone on Dave's current condition, until we got back to the apartment at night. His blog was essentially a model for the first Caring Bridge. He should have started that business). Our request for prayers was for "a complete recovery". We wanted the funny Dave that we all knew and loved to come back. We couldn't picture anything else. He was too big a presence. He was the life of a party. He was the funny guy that fed everyone near and far endless shit. He could find our most embarrassing weaknesses, call us out about it publicly, and we would laugh in hysterics. He had a unique ability to tease and make you love him even more. He drew everyone in. If I tried to tease someone about their balding head and ugly shirt....I'd just come off looking like a meany. He'd have the person rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. It was truly a gift to behold.

As I write about our past, I'm not even sure I will be able to do this. It is not often that I let myself go back to what we used to have.  The early years after Dave's accident, that took his speech and ability to banter and tease, were most definitely the hardest. I missed him terribly. What made me feel guilty about that was the fact that he was still alive and we talked weekly. Dave was still here but in many ways he wasn't the Dave that I had grown up with. It's a hard dynamic to explain but all of his buddies know exactly what I'm saying. I missed the weekly phone call that would start with a noise that he and his fraternity brothers would make. It's kind of a farting noise that they make out of the sides of their mouths. I'd answer the phone (pre caller ID) and that was the noise I'd hear. No "Hello Kath, this is Dave". Simply a "BBbbrrrrrrrrrr". It would bring an immediate smile to my face as I knew that I had Dave to laugh with for a bit. I loved his prankster stories. I loved his genuine love of people. He was a good guy. He also wanted to hear about my kid filled life. He cared about my daily struggles as a mom and he'd try and pep me up. I lived the wild life vicariously through him and his stories of travels and late nights at the bars and new girlfriend crushes. I was dealing with autism and therapists, and diapers, and life as a young and frazzled parent. He was the breath of fresh air that I looked forward to connecting with.

Today, Dave is still a good guy and I can safely say that I admire him more than anyone. He has worked his ass off to get better. He has defied the odds. EVERYTHING was taken from him and yet he smiles every day. His positive outlook is impressive to behold despite his significant challenges. Pre accident his passion was golf. He played whenever he could. He couldn't afford his passion but that didn't stop him from playing :) He was also an excellent squash player. He'd beat you at any bar game too (darts, pool......). With his TBI, he no longer has use of his dominant right hand and has learned to be a leftie. He has foot drop on the right foot so has a brace that stabilizes his foot. The miracle is that he can walk. The other miracle is that he can live on his own. He lived at The Bridge in Charlottesville, Va (for 5-6 years?) until we realized that he was taking care of others and really didn't need the supervision that we were paying an arm and a leg for. So our parents bought him a 2 bedroom condo in walking distance to the downtown mall. He can walk to his regular Friday night movie or live music during the warmer months. He is fun to follow around his local stomping grounds as he uses his only functional hand to fist bump those that he knows. He fist bumps the homeless man. Then he fist bumps the police officer. Then further down the way he waves at someone that works out at Gold's gym where he works 5 days a week cleaning the equipment. He doesn't remember anyone's name but he goes out of his way to say hello. He sadly has no sport in his life that he can actively participate in. I have asked if he'd enjoy just hanging out with friends while they play golf as he rides in the cart. He shakes his head "no". His love of golf was such a passion and it's just too hard to be out there and not play. Even trying to putt leftie is just depressing. No squash or tennis either. He does help the UVa lacrosse team one day a week which is great to hang out in that environment and be around fun guys and a sport that he loves. Thank you Coach Starsia. You have given Dave a gift by allowing him to be a part of a team and I will love you forever for that.

Dave has created a new life for himself that gives him happiness and purpose. He goes to church, he attends all of the UVa sporting events: football, basketball, and lacrosse. He has a group of childhood and high school friends who jam (banjo, guitar, mandolin etc) every Wednesday night at the Pickin' Shack and they let Dave hang out and listen to them. He sees every movie that comes out and gives me the update every Sunday when he calls. He continues to qualify for weekly speech therapy which is shocking 13 years post accident that his brain is STILL making progress. He most recently started adding a time line to his sentences. Would make me crazy in the past when he'd launch into a story with no timeframe reference. I'd have to scour my life to try and figure out if he was talking about our childhood, our Rehoboth Beach days, our Aspen days, his NYC or San Fran or Denver days.....or was he talking about now? A few weeks ago he told me "Yesterday, I went to ACAC to swim". Love that new speech skill! And you should watch that feat. YOU try and swim freestyle with only the use of one arm. I'd sink. He's still an athlete!

Pre accident, Dave was a ladies man. Post accident he seems very content to be single. He doesn't even want a pet. He has an amazing group of buddies that continue to invite him to their homes for visits. He gets to go to Baltimore this weekend for the NCAA lacrosse tournament to see his college buddies that he played lacrosse with at Denison. It's a fun annual weekend that he loves. The banter is back. The mouth fart noises will happen. He will laugh so hard that it will give him a headache. Knowing that he is with that group fills my heart. Those friends are true friends....through thick and thin. A true brotherhood.

So on this May 22 and Dave's 46th birthday, I'd like to say just how much I love and admire Dave. We had a uniquely close brother/sister bond that continues to this day. We have had to alter and make tweaks to our lives and I love that he has been through it all with me. I'm so appreciative that Mom and Dad are involved in helping Dave manage his life, his bills, his travels. They continue to be there for him which makes my life that much easier that I don't have to worry or coordinate for Dave. At some point, Jay and I will take on that role and who knows what the next steps will be. For now and maybe forever, Charlottesville is a GREAT place for Dave to live. He has a huge network of amazing support wherever he turns. I could never replicate that out here in Colorado for him.

Happy Birthday Dave!!

Baby David and me. That stroller makes us look REALLY old!

Basketball in high school. Nice shorts.

Dad's Smethurst Tour

Ran into Miles Lilly while playing for Denison

Fun times in Aspen with a few Denison buddies that had moved there too. And Buffie.

Golfing in San Fran with Dad and Jay

Aspen fun





I'll try and post the video that I took of Dave last year. As you can see, I'm still not able to put pictures exactly where I want them (those top 3 pictures are supposed to be lower) so we'll see if the video gets loaded.