Midlife crisis.....the mom version. #autismroadtrip

It's been practically a year since I wrote a blog and I can only attribute the lack of updates to the funk that I fell into when Jack went off to college. You hear about the emptiness when your kids leave, but I felt like since Molly would still be home, it wouldn't get to me.

But it did.

And it took a month long road trip this summer for me to finally start feeling like myself again.

I hate to fall into the "mid life crisis" category but anyone watching me would probably say "that's a classic mid life crisis". Or "is she going through menopause?" (maybe?) or "has she not been taking her anti depressants?" (I still was). I looked at my life and thought "is this IT?" I looked at my marriage and thought "is this IT?" I looked at the last 21 years as a mom and knew what my role was...now that Jack was off to college I thought ..."who AM I?" "What is my role in life?" I gained weight. I drank too much Chardonnay. I watched (too much reality) TV. I didn't coordinate gatherings with friends. I said "No thank you" to invitations. My husband chewed too loudly. I know....I was SO fun to be around!

Seeing Jack go off to college where he thrived both academically and socially gave us such pride. He earned himself a full ride Army ROTC scholarship at CU Boulder where he is taking hard as heck pre med classes as well as getting up at the crack of o'dark thirty for PT trainings 3 mornings a week. When he did the Ranger Challenge, it was 6 days a week of pre dawn workouts! Not your typical fall of freshman year (sleep in, skip classes, hung over) schedule. I know that more alcohol was involved for me at that age! I see my boy become a man and I'm awed by his life choices. He has his head on straight and has more direction than I do currently and I'm much older and wiser. ;) The loss of his fun energy and busy life around our home was definitely felt and greatly missed. Brooke and I lost our social life which was sitting in the stands of Jack's sporting events; an activity that we LOVED! We lost his humor around the home. We lost the one kid who could talk to us. But on the flip (and more positive) side, we had a much cleaner basement and chips and salsa whenever we wanted (Jack's guilty pleasure that is gone in the blink of an eye).

And then there is our beautiful daughter Molly. You know that I go through my highs and lows surrounding her autism. I focus on her successes and try and create a life that is both meaningful and safe. She continues to learn new tasks and new words. With support, I know that she can have a fulfilling life in the right (controlled and protected) environment. We were incredibly blessed with teams of devoted Molly fans throughout her school life. I know that many from her team read this blog and I hope that you all know how much your devotion to her has meant to me/us. She thrived knowing that you all believed in her, that you knew that she was smart despite all of her challenges, and that you accepted her just the way she was but kept gently pushing for more. She ran to the bus every day to take her school/work and came home smiling too. What a gift.

But when a person with a disability turns 21 years old, the school districts are no longer in charge of their services. No more IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meetings that we have had since she was 3 years old. No one overseeing her programs anymore (yikes....is that ME now?) No one holding our hands and directing us through the maze of life with a disability. Now a local state funded agency The Resource Exchange (TRE) will kick in to support Molly in her adulthood. They are funding her day program at Foundations for Successful Living (FSL) where Molly has gone 4 days a week during her transition program from the high school where she graduated. Here she is trained on work skills, communication skills, life skills (like money and cooking), she interacts with her peers, she volunteers in the community and she gets exercise at the YMCA or on hikes in the local parks. We have loved this program for her and look forward to another year of support through FSL.

Back to my mid life crisis.

Molly turned 21 in February and luckily the school districts finish out the academic year before saying "Buh Bye". She has basically been in school year round since she was 3 years old as she has qualified for summer school (so that she wouldn't lose learned skills). And that life has made me very stir crazy.....I like travel. I like seeing new places. I like seeing old friends. I needed to get.away.from.my.life. And the loud chewing. And the projects around the house that I have stared at and fantasized about completing for years but we haven't been able to afford to do. I couldn't look past them any more and obsessed about them. The crumbs on the counter in an otherwise clean kitchen made me crazy. Cooking every single night. I was sick of my life the way it was and needed a break. Y'all....I KNOW but I'm just being honest about my state of mind :)

We have lived a very structured life under which Molly has thrived and so have I. I like a schedule and so does she.  But I was ready for NO schedule. I was ready to hop in the car and have no itinerary (or very little). I wanted to go where the wind blew us and if we could see friends and family along the way...all the better! And so we did it! And I'll tell you all about it in installments!

And because of the month long break....the crumbs aren't nearly as annoying now that we are back!