My friend Shirley

I have been keeping a little secret from you all since August. A secret that I now want to share as this relationship has been such a blessing to me. Per usual, I was perusing FB in July and saw a post from a local teacher asking if we knew anyone that might want to help her 91 year old mother a few hours a week when they moved her out to Colorado from New Hampshire to live with them. I was intrigued by the flexibility and hadn't figured out what my next steps along the career path were going to be...so I threw in my hat and private messaged Betsey. "I'm interested but would like to meet your mom first  to see if she likes me. (B: But REALLY to see if I liked her)."

We hit it off immediately! Shirley is a pleasure to share my time with and I can only aspire to be as fun when I am 91 years old! She suffers from neuropothies in both feet, which has her mostly wheel chair bound. She only needs me for preparing both b'fast and lunch and a little light housework. When I arrive at 10 am, she is dressed and ready to start her day. Her hair is done, she sports a smart scarf tied around her neck, and some days has lipstick on. That's more than I can say for myself! She remarks that she still is getting out of bed every day and for that she is grateful.

I look forward to my first hour with Shirley. I make her b'fast (yummy walnut toast with peanut butter, or cereal with fruit, her daily prune juice, coffee with milk...and I always to make her an "egg in the hole" on Thursdays.) Then I get to sit down and share conversations while she eats. She is a story teller and I am her best audience. I LOVE hearing the stories of her youth. She told me of her "naked camp" where her mother busted she and her brother and a couple neighbor kids sharing a picnic in the woods while derobed. She is animated in her story telling the way my grandmother "Tammy" was. She uses such great expressions similar to others of that generation. Her body goes into character as she mimes the front desk lady at a fancy hotel on one of her travels to Europe with her husband. She sits up tall in her wheelchair, mimes the straightening of her bow tie, and imitates whatever accent of the person speaking. Her southern drawl makes me laugh. Her story doesn't even need to be good to have me enthralled with how animated her face and body language are. She slumps over in her chair, hangs her head, closes her eyes, and flops her arms to portray all the old people in the nursing home where she stayed briefly before moving to Colorado. She cracks me up.

I'm constantly surprised by what comes out of Shirley's mouth. Throughout my youth, I probably have stereotyped the elderly as stuffy and clueless. As I near 50, I suddenly can relate more to someone in their 90's than the teens of now. Not only do her words surprise, me but her actions do too. Shirley TEXTS!! Shirley uses an iPad. Shirley can navigate the "on demand" section of a TV which STILL confuses me. As I was leaving the house one day, she was Face Timing a friend! She is sharper than I am (by far) and I love her for it. She remembers so many details of her life. The only way that's going to happen for me is by rereading my blogs when I'm her age (if I even make it that long).

Shirley has mostly been housebound for the last 8-10 years when her husband declined into dementia. After decades of worldly travel for both his work and for golf fun, his dementia kept them at home in New Hampshire for his last years. When he passed away this last March at 94 years old, their daughters started figuring out what was a good next step for Shirley when the nursing home wasn't a good fit. I'm SO glad that they all decided to move her to Colorado.

I know this next phase will be upon my family at some point. That day when you decide if you can handle living with your parents again? Or your in-laws? I put myself in Betsey's (the daughter) shoes and imagine living with my mother after 40 plus years of not being under the same roof. It can't be easy for either of them. Each has their own way of living, and eating, and being. To now merge that could be disastrous but I have admired how both ladies are trying to make it work.

Shirley has all day to sit and think about her next meal and how delicious dinner is going to be. Betsey has been at work all day teaching and coaching and often probably just wants cereal for dinner. I am certainly guilty of that on more than 200 occasions. Betsey is following the Paleo diet. Shirley has had a regular food routine for years ( for example: Monday night: chicken, Tuesday night: seafood, Wednesday night: vegetarian....etc). Meat every night was not cutting it. Shirley would have my mouth watering as she describes her favorite recipes. Being a New England girl she was craving scallops. Then it was Lamb shanks. She'd save recipes from the paper then show me how delicious something looked. I finally suggested that on one of the days that I was with her that we could prepare a dinner. We would plan the meal on Monday and then I'd pick up the groceries before I came on Wednesday. She loved the idea and we have made a few meals since. She is very particular about certain things. "No green whatsoever on the iceberg lettuce" on her sandwich. (She sounds like my son). Vegetables need to be cooked perfectly (not under or over). She'd need to tell me exactly how long as I'm not sure what the perfect time is myself? We have had fun talking about the meals and then chopping and preparing dinner together. It makes me realize that I need to engage my family in more group preparation for dinners as everyone thinks a meal tastes better when they have been part of the process. I know Molly would love to be more involved in the kitchen, so I need to relax into the process, know that it will take longer, and make cooking fun!

I have been dying to get Shirley out of the house for the last 3 months. She is very content to stay in the home all day every day doing the NY Times cross word, reading the paper, watching her Korean subtitled movies (which totally cracks me up. Where did she even FIND that on Netflicks?). She has lived a life of travel, golf, and fun and seems content to stay in her daughters home. I picture a "Thema and Louise" getaway and have been asking her for months what she might want to do: go to the movies? go out to lunch? go for a drive? She is nervous about leaving home as it's a bit of an ordeal as the house isn't easily wheelchair accessible going in or out. A little maneuvering has to happen to get her into the car. We have had experience with this with both my grandmother Tammy after her stroke as well as my brother David after his TBI...so I am not deterred by her excuses. You can imagine just how thrilled I was when last night she agreed to come to our house for dinner!! I bribed her with a shrimp scampi recipe I knew that she wanted to try and her daughter and son-in-law were out of town for the night, so she needed a little help if she wanted to eat. When she said "Yes" that she'd come to dinner at our house, I almost fainted.

We got her to our house, had a yummy dinner, got her almost back into her house afterwards when lo and frigging behold, she stood up to let Brooke maneuver the wheelchair up a precarious section of the yard after which she would sit back down in the chair....and she twisted her ankle. Today it is swollen. I feel SO guilty! It was my bright idea to get her out and she hurts herself. I hope she will give us another chance as we loved having her over.

After we dropped her back at her house and were driving home, Brooke said "I see why you love Shirley. She is SO sharp and interesting". He was blown away when she talked knowledgeably about Ultimate Frisbee. Most sports minded men don't know about Ultimate much less a cute 91 year old lady :)

If I could find a few other women just like Shirley, I could totally see being a full time home health care worker. She makes my job feel fulfilling, she has modeled how I want to be when I am her age, she makes me laugh, and I feel blessed. Thank you Shirley for being a part of my life.