Dr Phil's powerful interview with a mother of a child with autism.

Every family deserves days like these. This made my heart sing.

I was an avid Oprah and Dr Phil watcher in the early years of motherhood. Once Oprah left her afternoon time slot (and went to her own network whose channel # I never learned and therefore have never watched), I somehow lost track of Dr Phil too. Yesterday I happened to turn it on about 1/2 hour into the segment, so I don't know everything that was talked about. Dr Phil was interviewing a crying woman in jail. She seemed heartfelt, genuine, attractive, and shared a story that I most certainly could relate to and empathized with her through my tears. She had tried to commit suicide through carbon monoxide poisoning both she and her severely autistic 14 year old daughter. She did not succeed and has spent the last year in jail for that mistake. Her daughter miraculously survived, was in the ICU for a long time, and the dad is now raising all 3 kids on his own. He has filed for divorce. The mom understands why he has made this decision and graciously says that she was lucky enough to be married to him for 18 years.

Her daughter was aggressive  and attacked both the mom as well as the younger brother and sister on a daily basis. The mother had asked for help but hadn't really received any; she was overwhelmed, she was protecting her younger children, and she ultimately thought that she was giving her daughter the gift of Heaven and a much better life there. She saw this as a gift as opposed to murder. I haven't lived her story but I have been close enough in her shoes that I could FULLY understand her desperation and could understand why she did what she did. Of course she is selfish in that she was leaving the other kids without a mother, and a father to raise them on his own through the backlash of that awfulness, and yet through all that, I can still see her crazy rationale. I know...it's crazy that I understand her. But I bet most families that have a child with autism do too. Especially ones that have a spiritual belief in God and Heaven.

Try living in constant angst that your eldest will lash out at any moment on your younger children. Imagine how scary it is for the younger kids to live in constant fear of an outbreak? A big heart ache in this scenario too is that the younger kids understand that their older sister just doesn't understand and can't control herself. She isn't doing it out of anger and hatred, it's that she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to vent appropriately. She loves her family and probably feels badly that she hurts them....and yet the outbursts continue. What is hard to explain to the outside world who don't live with autism, is that you can't just discipline a child with autism the way you can your typical kids. Try speaking Japanese to your typical 5 year old and see if they obey you. Saying it over and over again will get you no where as they don't understand you. Raising your voice won't help either. That is the same for a child with autism: language is blah, blah, blah. Think a time out will work? Yeah right. Unless you strap them into a chair, they aren't sitting for long. How about a delayed consequence? "You won't get dessert if you do that again." "I won't take you shopping for that dress if you back talk again". That punishment is too far away from the incident and is a concept that is difficult to understand. Those don't work either. Your kid is pitching a fit in public? Plan B is what we always used: Exit the building. Many attempts at Plan A, ended in Plan B. With Molly, we reinforced positive behavior as opposed to punishing the negative. Thank you teams and teams of ABA therapists and para professionals at schools who helped us with this strategy through the years. Fortunately for us, Molly has never battled aggression. She is very passive, but in her youth had daily tantrums (but no one ever got hurt because of them).

As a mom, how do you protect everyone? You love them all. Yes, even our disabled children we love with all our hearts. The love in no different than our love for our typical children. Love is love.

The day in and day out grind of life will finally wear you down. I personally wanted to run away. I got to a place where I truly believed that a babysitter could take care of my kids better than I could. I had had enough. I didn't consider killing myself or Molly but I can see where this mom would go to that mental place. That very dark place. Luckily for me I blamed our miserable marriage for my need to run away and Brooke agreed to counseling. Enter a professional that could help. It was there when he asked how the therapist would bill this appointment that she said "Under Kathy's depression". I remember being so shocked yet relieved at the same time.

Is THAT what this is? Is that why I want to sleep all day( but can't since I have two little kids)? Is that why I'm not hungry? Is that why Brooke is so annoying? Is that what my night sweats are about?

And so began my slow crawl out of depression. Because of my massage therapy background and more wholistic approach to body wellness, I went to a Naturopath first. If that didn't work, I promised Brooke that I'd go on meds. It did work then and for a long time afterwards, but depression raises it's ugly head now and again but at least now I know the symptoms (Brooke bugging me or I feel like running away) and I know when I need to get back on track and what I need to do to make that happen.

Part 2 of the Dr Phil show is today and I will miss it due to Jack's soccer game. I will watch it On Demand tonight to see how this all turns out. Do the kids miss their mom? Do they understand why she did it? Does the autistic daughter understand any of it? How is her husband dealing with the backlash this last year? He now has to do it all by himself without the tag team effort that couples are desperate for. Will he forgive her? Will she be in prison forever or will a jury understand her situation? Do you understand her situation? Do you feel compassion for her? Has anything ever taken you to the brink before?

When asked how life has been in prison for the last year and if it has been easier than life at home was.....she basically said "yes". That didn't surprise me either. We have lots of hurting, desperate families out there that are facing a lifetime with these very impaired kids. I hope that we can figure out a compassionate long term solution before more suicides happen. I hope that I can be a part of that solution.