You can dress them up for Homecoming Dance 2014 but it's still pretty awkward.

Fun "flash tat".

She's SO hip.

Blow dry AND flat iron fancy.

Make up too.

We needed boutonniere instructions. Luckily Cheryl figured it out.

Thank you Spencer.

Yes, the arm around her was prompted.

The dads with their kids.

A few weeks ago I emailed Spencer's mom Cheryl about the Homecoming Dance to make sure that date would work for Spencer to attend with Molly. The thing about having special needs kids is that we still have a huge hand in their social activities and engagements. Actually we probably have the only hand as they don't initiate any activities on their own. At least Molly doesn't. When Cheryl gave me the all clear, I practiced a short sentence that Molly could use on her talker to ask Spencer to the dance when they saw each other at speech therapy. She said "Spencer dance (with) me?". I'll take the blame for omitting the "with" as I just couldn't find it on the talker.  Molly isn't very good with the complete sentences anyway so Spencer would get the gist. I had her practice "saying" the sentence two times and we were ready. I gave the speech therapist Barb a heads up that this would be happening, and that maybe she could initiate the interaction.  Cheryl and I went and sat in the waiting room for the hour of their appointment and eagerly awaited the results.

Barb came out and reported the cute interplay. Molly asked Spencer using her talker. He said "yes". Barb said "What will you wear Molly?". She replied "Pink blouse. Jeans". Another boy/man in their group said "I think she should wear a dress". Pretty cute as he's non verbal too and this response shows just how much our kids are taking in of their environment without us really realizing it. I agreed, she needed to wear a dress. So Grandma (Brooke's mom) had a cute pink top and a cute black long dress that fit and looked darling on Molly. But then the next week at speech therapy, they were again talking about the upcoming Homecoming Dance and asked Molly about her outfit. This time she said "Pink blouse. Silver skirt"(Grandma's was black). Hmmmmm I thought. Silver WOULD look cute with the pink top. Then I said "Is there anything else you'd like?" And Molly said "gloves". I asked what color. She said "Red". I motioned on my arm both at the wrist and then at the elbow to determine the length that she wanted. She pointed to the elbow. So there we had it. Pink, silver and red. Where does one actually purchase long red gloves? I had NO idea. I also wasn't sure if I should try and talk her into something that matches a little better but then relaxed into letting my girl be my girl. It's fun to see what her choices are when left to her own devices.

She came out in this # this summer so the pink/red is a theme for her.

So now Grandmas pink sweater wasn't going to work since it was long sleeved and Molly wanted long gloves. So a shopping trip was in order. Off to Marshall's I went, and as fate would have it, the darling silver skirt practically jumped off the rack as did the pink top. I ran to the ARC next door thinking that maybe someone had donated a pair of long gloves that I could then dye red (would have to YouTube how) ....and to my amazement, right up front, there were red gloves set out for Halloween :) Perfect.

My fashion forward friend Berkeley gave me the heads up that the flash tats were all the rage during  her daughters sorority (spell check auto corrects to sobriety which is pretty funny)  rush at the University of Georgia. So I just had to have them for Molly's big night. And we had to have her hair done as I don't even blow dry my own hair which is why Molly's has NEVER been blow-dried in her entire life. No split ends on that head!

When Molly was little, getting a haircut was a nightmare! I had to constantly pump one skittle at a time or bites of cookies (or whatever junk would appease her) into her mouth to keep her sitting for even 10 minutes. I'd tell the hairdresser at Super Cuts "Just cut FAST". Since Molly would not leave any barrettes or hair thingies in her hair, we always had to keep it short. Thus the regular visits to Super Cuts. Through the years, she has gotten to love that time in the chair. She would stay all day now looking at herself if she could. Afterwards, she hops up, grabs the water spray bottle every.single.time and does a little squirt on her bangs.....and that is that. Still not sure why she does it, but she does and we just let her. In preparation for her big dance, we went to see Amber. Molly had lots of firsts on this visit. She had her hair washed in the basin. She had her hair blow-dried. She had her hair flat ironed. The entire time she was beaming. Jack and I got such a kick out of watching her and the perma smile on her face. Very touching and sweet. Looks like we will need to do that again when we do her senior pictures.

We told Spencer's dad Jon to bring him over at 6:30pm. We would do pictures on our deck and then head out to Wild Ginger for dinner. It was funny to watch the Rose's do what we do: snap 1 million pictures in an effort to get one decent one of our kid. We say weird things that will get our kids bizarre senses of humor to laugh. "Flat cheese" gets Molly. We never say "Smile" as we get these very stilted, strained, chin jutting forward, grimaces. It's "Scooby Doo" for Spencer. It's "Chardonnay" for me.

I learned my lesson after the Goodwill dance the kids went to last spring together. It was just the 3 of us at dinner and it was so quiet that even I felt uncomfortable. So this time I invited Jack Bell to join us as I knew he'd say "Yes" to eating out (his favorite thing to do). Spencer's mom Cheryl joined us too which was fun. When we asked for the check after we were all stuffed, Spencer pulled out his wallet to pay for Molly. His parents had worked on that with him and he did awesome.

Jack was delivered home, Cheryl went on her way and I drove the kids to the high school for the dance. It was raining and we were the only ones standing in line with an umbrella. Fancy that! Was it because I was the only adult in the line? Probably :) The place was decorated and festive. The music was blaring and fun. The strobe lights and smoke machine were cranking. It was so fun. Molly immediately started dancing. Spencer stood (he's not much of a dancer). I had to run onto the dance floor a couple times from my dark perch on the bleachers to prompt Molly to go back and get Spencer when she took off to go dancing with kids that she knew. The other time I waited for a few minutes to see if Spencer would actually put his arms around her to slow dance like all the other kids were doing around them....but he didn't make the move, so I jumped down to put their arms around each other. They happily danced (stood) that way until the song ended.

Early on the fire alarm went off (that we could barely hear). Apparently the smoke machine had set it off. I was amazed how calmly all the kids filed out...into the rain and the wind. We again were the only ones with the umbrellas. I'm such a good planner a header. "Be prepared" is my mom motto. "Plan B" is another one of my good ones. Spencer and Molly were troopers through those unexpected situations. Boy they have come a long way. When everyone could go back in, the kids resumed dancing (standing) and having fun. Molly was truly in her element. Peers and kids surrounding her with music cranking is like heaven on earth. Not so sure that was Spencer's heaven but he rallied.

The kids have speech therapy together today so I'll be curious what the follow up conversations reveal.  I had eyes on them all night so I'm pretty sure nothing really saucy will come out.

Dr Phil's powerful interview with a mother of a child with autism.

Every family deserves days like these. This made my heart sing.

I was an avid Oprah and Dr Phil watcher in the early years of motherhood. Once Oprah left her afternoon time slot (and went to her own network whose channel # I never learned and therefore have never watched), I somehow lost track of Dr Phil too. Yesterday I happened to turn it on about 1/2 hour into the segment, so I don't know everything that was talked about. Dr Phil was interviewing a crying woman in jail. She seemed heartfelt, genuine, attractive, and shared a story that I most certainly could relate to and empathized with her through my tears. She had tried to commit suicide through carbon monoxide poisoning both she and her severely autistic 14 year old daughter. She did not succeed and has spent the last year in jail for that mistake. Her daughter miraculously survived, was in the ICU for a long time, and the dad is now raising all 3 kids on his own. He has filed for divorce. The mom understands why he has made this decision and graciously says that she was lucky enough to be married to him for 18 years.

Her daughter was aggressive  and attacked both the mom as well as the younger brother and sister on a daily basis. The mother had asked for help but hadn't really received any; she was overwhelmed, she was protecting her younger children, and she ultimately thought that she was giving her daughter the gift of Heaven and a much better life there. She saw this as a gift as opposed to murder. I haven't lived her story but I have been close enough in her shoes that I could FULLY understand her desperation and could understand why she did what she did. Of course she is selfish in that she was leaving the other kids without a mother, and a father to raise them on his own through the backlash of that awfulness, and yet through all that, I can still see her crazy rationale. I know...it's crazy that I understand her. But I bet most families that have a child with autism do too. Especially ones that have a spiritual belief in God and Heaven.

Try living in constant angst that your eldest will lash out at any moment on your younger children. Imagine how scary it is for the younger kids to live in constant fear of an outbreak? A big heart ache in this scenario too is that the younger kids understand that their older sister just doesn't understand and can't control herself. She isn't doing it out of anger and hatred, it's that she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to vent appropriately. She loves her family and probably feels badly that she hurts them....and yet the outbursts continue. What is hard to explain to the outside world who don't live with autism, is that you can't just discipline a child with autism the way you can your typical kids. Try speaking Japanese to your typical 5 year old and see if they obey you. Saying it over and over again will get you no where as they don't understand you. Raising your voice won't help either. That is the same for a child with autism: language is blah, blah, blah. Think a time out will work? Yeah right. Unless you strap them into a chair, they aren't sitting for long. How about a delayed consequence? "You won't get dessert if you do that again." "I won't take you shopping for that dress if you back talk again". That punishment is too far away from the incident and is a concept that is difficult to understand. Those don't work either. Your kid is pitching a fit in public? Plan B is what we always used: Exit the building. Many attempts at Plan A, ended in Plan B. With Molly, we reinforced positive behavior as opposed to punishing the negative. Thank you teams and teams of ABA therapists and para professionals at schools who helped us with this strategy through the years. Fortunately for us, Molly has never battled aggression. She is very passive, but in her youth had daily tantrums (but no one ever got hurt because of them).

As a mom, how do you protect everyone? You love them all. Yes, even our disabled children we love with all our hearts. The love in no different than our love for our typical children. Love is love.

The day in and day out grind of life will finally wear you down. I personally wanted to run away. I got to a place where I truly believed that a babysitter could take care of my kids better than I could. I had had enough. I didn't consider killing myself or Molly but I can see where this mom would go to that mental place. That very dark place. Luckily for me I blamed our miserable marriage for my need to run away and Brooke agreed to counseling. Enter a professional that could help. It was there when he asked how the therapist would bill this appointment that she said "Under Kathy's depression". I remember being so shocked yet relieved at the same time.

Is THAT what this is? Is that why I want to sleep all day( but can't since I have two little kids)? Is that why I'm not hungry? Is that why Brooke is so annoying? Is that what my night sweats are about?

And so began my slow crawl out of depression. Because of my massage therapy background and more wholistic approach to body wellness, I went to a Naturopath first. If that didn't work, I promised Brooke that I'd go on meds. It did work then and for a long time afterwards, but depression raises it's ugly head now and again but at least now I know the symptoms (Brooke bugging me or I feel like running away) and I know when I need to get back on track and what I need to do to make that happen.

Part 2 of the Dr Phil show is today and I will miss it due to Jack's soccer game. I will watch it On Demand tonight to see how this all turns out. Do the kids miss their mom? Do they understand why she did it? Does the autistic daughter understand any of it? How is her husband dealing with the backlash this last year? He now has to do it all by himself without the tag team effort that couples are desperate for. Will he forgive her? Will she be in prison forever or will a jury understand her situation? Do you understand her situation? Do you feel compassion for her? Has anything ever taken you to the brink before?

When asked how life has been in prison for the last year and if it has been easier than life at home was.....she basically said "yes". That didn't surprise me either. We have lots of hurting, desperate families out there that are facing a lifetime with these very impaired kids. I hope that we can figure out a compassionate long term solution before more suicides happen. I hope that I can be a part of that solution.

My very tall brother Dave and his most excellent trip to Colorado.

Dave in Garden of the Gods

We were born 22 months apart, became best friends during our college summers working and playing at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, moved to Aspen, Colorado together to be ski bums before we found "real jobs", and have talked weekly since then. Dave's traumatic brain injury almost 14 years ago changed all the dreams and what we thought life would look like. But who am I to judge as 46 year old Dave looks pretty happy to me? He even says that he's happier now than pre accident and much of those kudos go to you....his friends from near and far who continue to reach out to him, invite him to your homes, feed him, call him, join him at the movies and sporting events, and share laughs with him. This continued support 14 years later is a tribute to who Dave was then, but is also a tribute to who he is now. It's also very telling of the great taste he has in friends. You all are the best!

Dave lived in Denver at the time of his accident and he continues to think of Denver as home (though somehow I don't think he will ever actually move back there as Charlottesville is perfect in size, his ability to navigate on foot and via bus, the plethora of UVa sports, and the surplus of amazing friends and family). He invited himself to Guy Arnold's house and lovely Guy made it happen. Dave and Guy were boarding school roommates at Woodberry Forest School so there is a deep bond that allows for self invitations. They went to the BMW PGA golf tournament one day and could have touched some of the biggest names in golf who stood just feet away. They spent a day up in Beaver Creek at Guy's beautiful mountain home where Dave actually caught a fish. Guy was floored when he went into the kitchen to make dinner and Dave popped up from the sofa where he was watching TV and set the table! Guy just wasn't sure what to expect in terms of Dave's abilities and disabilities so this was a lovely surprise. I will interject that Dave really IS the best guest: he makes his bed (unlike his sister), he sets the table, he would bus the table too if I didn't have my kids do that. He makes his own breakfast or lunch and will go to your kids sporting events as he loves sports of any nature and with any age competitor. He even clapped for Molly's special needs soccer team (The Thunder) where no one understands defense, so if you get the ball, you are guaranteed a goal. That was a very high scoring game.

Carla Tamborelli and her daughter Coco were the next old friends that took Dave in. He ate well, saw a gymnastics practice, and appreciated Carla's idea to go back to Craig Hospital for Dave to see if he still knew anyone from then and to let the staff see how well he is doing. They went to the wrong floor (there is both a Brain Injury floor as well as a Spinal Cord injury floor.) When Dave approached the nurses station and asked for Dr Manley, the nurse looked at him blankly since Dr Manley was his neurosurgeon at San Fran General where he had his accident. From behind the station stood Dr Weintraub, who said "No one here besides me would know that name since Dr Manley is a good friend of mine. You fell out of the window and played lacrosse, right?" Dr Weintraub WAS Dave's doctor 14 years ago and it's amazing that he still remembers those details. What a great doctor. He never works on Saturday, he wasn't on the Brain Injury floor, and it was God or fate or destiny that allowed that awesome reunion to occur. (A side note: If you saw Olympic snowboarder Kevin Pearce's movie "Crash Reel", Dr Weintraub was his doctor at Craig too).

I knew Bob Bodor casually for a couple of years. He was the football coach at Colorado College until the school terminated that program. Once that happened, he and his family moved to Hawaii for a year and it was there that one of Dave's visiting fraternity brothers posted a picture to FB mentioning his Denison Beta brother Bob. I almost had a heart attack as I had NO IDEA that Bob and my brother were friends nor that they were fraternity brothers. What a small world. Guess that's the disadvantage of not having my maiden name stamped on my forehead as it had never come up in conversation. So a couple of years ago the Bodor's had moved back to our sweet little Manitou Springs and he was out trick or treating with his kids, when he came to my door. Suddenly it dawned on me that he needed to come in and see my visitor who had just arrived. He and Dave were reunited. This time when my brother visited I planned ahead and had them over for dinner. Beta brothers like to hold hands :)

                                                 

On Monday Dave had suggested going to a movie (he sees everything that comes out. I see nothing and never know what he is talking about but love that there is an activity that he loves and can do by himself). The timing wasn't to be for us to be home in time to meet Molly off the bus so we did this instead. Thank you neighbor Gael for playing photographer.

                                                 

I have no short white skirts and really shouldn't have even worn that little black number. Ok, I have GOT to get back into shape. Have been seeing too many "is that really me?" pictures lately. That length skirt looked so much cuter on my childhood body. I don't have knee high socks nor any ribbons for my hair but went with the best I could find. Dave laughed at his knee high socks from when he was 4 years old...but then laughed even more realizing he STILL wears them for his brace leg. I like how he tried to make the same face. This is a little embarrassing to admit, especially since I said TWICE. "Dave, we have to to put both hands on the rackets" as I saw his right arm still hanging by his side. "Dave, both hands" until it dawned on me.....DUH...he can't move his right arm. Gosh, how many years for me to fully realize this is reality? He's so gracious and didn't get mad at me.


                                                   

Aren't the fake puppies not early as cute as the real ones?

We had a couple litters of Golden Retrievers when we were  young.

Love you Dave! I'm proud of how far you have come, how hard you work at everything that you do, and how gracious and appreciative you seem of everyone's efforts to support you in the great life that you are still creating for yourself. Come back anytime!