What IS this feeling?

Here I sit in my PJ's at 8 am mulling over these parenting feelings that have hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I have helped Molly shower, brush her teeth, fed her breakfast, made her lunch and her bus arrives soon to whisk her off to work for a few hours. Tonight she has a fun Halloween dance with Spencer where she gets to wear her Vampire outfit that we purchased when the first Halloween store popped up a few months ago. She kept pointing to her teeth when we talked about her costume. When I said "Vampire?" she nodded frantically. Next week I will devote an entire blog to all the Halloween festivities as there are a few more on the horizon. Today I muse about parenting.

We raise our children to grow and flourish on their own two feet. We want them to be independent and never return home to live in our basement once they set off for college. We love for them to trip and fall (well...not the helicopter parents) along the way so that lessons will be learned and we as parents are there to lift them up.

Brooke and I took the "Parenting with Love and Logic" classes that taught us to take the arguments out of lessons learned along the way. If you are not home at curfew, "What a bummer" and a consequence was thought about and imposed at a later time when we were not upset and Jack had time to worry what that consequence might be. Typically he had to be home a 1/2 EARLIER for every minute he was late. He learned quickly and is always home on time. He once found a grassy weed eater in his bed after "forgetting" to do that chore. He might have found a few dirty dishes in his bed too when his basement haven wasn't cleaned up after having been asked on too many occasions and we were finally sick of it.

That makes us sound way more badass than we really are as Jack mostly does what we ask of him in a relatively timely manner. We aren't pushed to throw down the "Because I'm the parent" card that often.

Today my almost 18 year old (next week) doesn't have school. It's a wild feeling that after years of coordinating, driving, fixing food and gentle reminding that he was out the door at 6 am to drive to the mountains to go skiing with his buddies. All without me doing ONE THING!

• He put his bindings on his snowboard (by himself)
• He set his alarm and got up on time (by himself)
• He made breakfast (by himself)
• He had his goggles/ski pants/coat/snowboard/ear buds/phone/ski pass/lunch for his pocket (I think)

He was out the door by 6 am (I was still sleeping in my cozy, warm bed)

So why am I even writing about this? Why do I feel.......I'm not even sure how I feel? Why does it feel like just a couple of years ago we were on our way for a ski weekend and had to turn the car around after driving for 15 minutes to go back to our house to get Jack's snowboard boots that he realized he hadn't packed? I think he was 5th or 6th grade.  How can I feel SO proud of him today in all of his independence and yet feel so sad all in the same moment?

I suppose that as moms we like to feel needed. Yet we also love when our kids can start doing things for themselves. Holding a bottle to feed themselves! AWESOME! Getting their own water from the water thingy on the frig. AWESOME! Turning on their own perfectly tempered water for the shower. AWESOME! Driving themselves to school. AWESOME! Doing their homework without you. AWESOME! I remember vividly fantasizing about when the kids would go off to college and I would finally have a little me space (they were 1 and 3 years old and we were in the thick of autism chaos). But now that we are on the verge of Jack moving on and I have gotten used to having them around, it's a different feeling. Maybe Jack should live in the basement? ;)

So I have one kid that will live with us forever (Molly) and one that is proving his independence and self reliance (Jack) and we should pat ourselves on our backs for how well we have done raising them both.

So why do I feel so.........midlife crisis? ;)

The dreaded dentist appointment!

In the early years, going to the dentist was an absolute nightmare! Molly was hyperly, orally defensive as a little child. I have shared that she wouldn't take a bottle (she exclusively nursed for 14 months), or pacifier, or suck her thumb. We couldn't stay in her mouth for long brushing teeth either and to this day getting those bottom front teeth is hard as she grips that bottom lip onto her teeth.  On top of all the oral defensiveness, she gagged on many different foods and textures. Poor thing.

At one point, we had her put under for a dentist visit so that they could fill a couple of cavities and coat all her teeth with a protective coating. This was the best option back then for sure. She hasn't had a cavity since! As she has grown and gone to the dentist twice a year , she has gotten better and better with the process. I have always encouraged the dentist to let her hold a mirror so that she can see what they are doing in her mouth. This has really helped. Taking the bite X-rays makes ME gag so you can picture what happens to Molly. Even this process is easy now for my almost 20 year old!

Yesterday we had Molly's dentist appointment and I left feeling SO grateful that life has taken the edge off of my daughter. She is such a joy to be around. She practically runs back to the cleaning area and plops herself down on the table. Jack had his last appointment with this pediatric dentist group a year ago as his legs were WAY TOO LONG for the table and all the other kids in the office are tiny. He felt out of place. Molly doesn't care at all that all the other patients are little kids. Molly puts on the glasses and lies down. She opens her mouth, she closes her lips when directed for the liquid to get sucked out of her mouth, the stands perfectly still when they do the panoramic x-ray, she doesn't gag on the bite x-rays, and she almost sprints to the get the coin to retrieve her toy out of the machine when we go to reschedule the next appointment.

Jack always picked the bouncy ball that we would launch from the second story of the building down into the atrium after their appointments. It was the fun, bouncy reward. Lo and behold, Molly wanted a bouncy ball too this time. Next time remind me to be the one that tosses it down to her as this time she didn't have her brother to gently drop it. She heaved it and it went everywhere! I ducked down into a little crouch and covered my head. Luckily no windows were broken in the process.

I then took her to work and she left her little ball in the car.

That afternoon, the bus brought her home. She immediately ran around doing her "chores" then she came and looked at me expectantly. She stands and leans forward slightly and stares at me. She totally thinks that I can read her mind. I say "Molly, do you want something? Then you need to tell me on your talker". She ran back to her room, got her talker, and came and sat down beside me. She scanned a page on her talker and hits "Baseball". I think "Baseball?"....we all hate baseball (boring) and when Jack thought T-ball was boring at 3 years old, we readily agreed and have never had to sit on a sideline since :) Lacrosse baby! Anyway, I had NO idea what she was talking about. She then signs "help" and heads out the front door and goes and looks in the window of my locked car. AHA!! I knew exactly what she needed then. She wanted the bouncy ball from her dentist appt that morning. Love her. Even though she can't speak with her mouth, she is an excellent communicator!!

Wonderful "Positive Exposure" photo exhibit!

Now that school is over for Molly, she does not have the regular excitement of Homecoming, Prom, Graduations, etc to look forward to. So this night was particularly exciting for her and she let me know that many days ahead by putting her hand to her ear as if she were making a phone call to a friend. "Katie" is who she was wanting to tell about the Photo Exhibit that she was going to be in. Katie was a very sweet friend in high school who is now a freshman in college. Molly shows me her FB page and that let's me know that she is thinking of Katie and probably missing her. We "called" Katie on Molly's hand phone MANY times this week. I wonder if she heard us? ;)

Rick Guidotti is a beautiful soul who used to be a high fashion NYC photographer who changed the direction of his career about 15 years ago when he saw the beauty in an albino woman standing on the street corner.  He was drawn to her and asked if he could shoot her (with his camera of course) and that encounter changed his photography forever. He now travels the world taking photos of children and adults with genetic, physical, intellectual and behavioral differences for exhibits that are displayed around the world. "Change how you see, see how you change" is the motto of his Positive Exposure innovative nonprofit arts, education and advocacy organization. www.positiveexposure.org

Six weeks ago, we showed up for Molly's photo shoot not knowing what to expect. They said " Allot a couple hours, bring videos to watch, food to eat, and whatever toys that might engage your kids as we aren't sure how long each session will take and we have a few models booked at the same time." As I parent, I read between the lines on this: "whichever kid isn't losing it right then, get's to go first". So Molly and I walked in with our bag of goodies and her headphones ready to plug in and listen to her music. This is how she stays calm for HOURS on the sidelines of Jack's games and it works. It was very quiet. There were only two men in this big open area who smiled at us as we came in looking lost. I said "Is this where the photo shoot is?". "YES!!" Rick said enthusiastically. "Let's get going!". Oh, wow....Okay. I looked at Molly, her hair was a little crazy but since I have never really learned how to do her hair since mine is bone straight and hers is so curly, I just left it. I love her hair and just let the wave fly! She seemed a little off too. And by off, I mean really edgy. Tense. Having her picture taken is not on her top list of things she likes to do. When she tries to pose and say "Cheese", it's usually a grimace. I was nervous that even this expert wasn't going to be able to get a good one.

He took her outside.

And inside.

I took this one over his shoulder and loved the lighting he found.

Click, Click, Click. He moved her from one location to the next. Quickly. Which is awesome for my girl. He was praising her and telling her how beautiful she was. And then he'd get REALLY excited about a shot as he would look at the back of the camera to see how an image turned out. Then he'd show me. Then he'd show Molly. Click, Click, Click. She was so grumpy and making unhappy noises and yet he kept moving along and wasn't at all distracted by her "differences" and noises. Click, Click, Click. I loved him immediately. "Let me see those beautiful blue eyes. Gorgeous". Click, Click, Click. It was shortly after this take that she disappeared around the corner. He looked at me like "what happened?". I looked at him and went to see where she had gone. She had slipped into the bathroom that was right there. Classic Molly who never tells you what she is up to. I think she really needed to go potty because afterwards she was so much happier and less gripey. And then it was over. It might have taken 10 minutes; 15 minutes at the most. Another mom and young child were just arriving so it was perfect for them too. I knew he had captured a good picture but I couldn't wait to see which one he used for the exhibit and we wouldn't know that until the show 6 weeks later.

So last night was the Gala Opening of the event at Chapel Hills Mall where more than 2 million people will see these pictures during the holiday season. I hope that many of you locals will stop by and see the pictures of these Colorado Springs community members. There is a nice little blurb under their names so you get a sense of the person. Our favorite titled a man "the worlds best paper shredder" or something like that and we all laughed as that could have been Molly if we hadn't nipped that OCD behavior. My absolute favorite picture is of a darling little boy (3-5 years oldish?) in a walker type contraption. He is looking into the camera with such joy it just makes you smile. I will go back just to take a picture of that picture to show you!

Brooke gave Molly flowers that she carried around all night long.

Spencer was part of the fun too.

LOVE this!

They gave Molly a framed print to bring home.

You can't tell at all that she wasn't enjoying the session, can you?

We ate, we drank, we mingled with friends. It was a lovely night. Our "model" even took a couple people that we didn't know across the room to show them her picture. :) I hope that Molly has many more memorable nights like this. She deserves it!

Rick photo bombed Molly and her two high school friends.