Tuck-a-luck

How long does it take to stop listening for the clicking of his nails on the floor? When will I just stand up after being curled up on the sofa and NOT look for Tucker to avoid stepping on him as he was always curled up under me? When will I forget the softness of his ears that Jack loved to stroke? I loved the scruff of his big wide neck and will miss burying my face into it.

As I shared in my last blog post, Brooke is all about adventure and I am all about relaxing and connecting with friends. Neither of us is a decisive decision maker. We both saw the clear demise of Tucker but neither could say "We need to put him down". We held out hope that this wasn't the end even though he was 15 1/2 years old. "But maybe he really isn't that old since he's a rescue and you never know for sure if the people who turned him in knew his real age? They told us his birthday was July 4th....what are the odds of that REALLY being his birthday? Maybe he's only 13 or 14 years old?" Hello denial.

I had taken him to the vet two weeks earlier and she had shared that after 5 months on Remidil, his tummy could be nauseous from the meds which was causing him to not want to eat and we could wean him off that medicine before trying another pain killer. He could barely walk without that med so I didn't want him to be in pain for his remaining days so we tried Pepcid AC to help his tummy. It was then they I couldn't even get his meds down as he was refusing ALL food. This past weekend (after a week of no meds), he started wanting to try food again!! I was psyched and thought that he had weaned himself off the meds and now we could try another pain med. There was (false) hope! I made an appointment on Monday and took him in. When they weighed him, the flood gates of tears opened and didn't stop all day. At his prime he weighed 89 lbs. On Monday, he was 53 lbs. I knew that it was bad since I could easily pick him up to put him into the back of the car. In his prime, I could barely lift him and really didn't need to since he could jump in and out of the car by himself. Our very kind vet didn't seem to notice my puffy, red eyes or the constant flow of tears. She handed me a box of kleenex. I used a lot of them. They must deal with sad owners like me on a daily basis, right? That has to be one of the hardest parts of their job sharing the news that it is time? I NEEDED her to make the decision as we couldn't do it. This was a gift to Tucker. His quality of life was over. Even going on a short walk didn't appeal to him anymore and walks were what made him his happiest.

Brooke and Jack were with Tucker for his last breath. He was surrounded by love (and sobbing) and went peacefully. While they took Tucker to the vet, I took Molly to her music therapy after saying my last goodbye to Tuck-a-luck. I sobbed for the entire 20 minute drive. Molly kept looking at me knowing something wasn't right. We had tried to explain Tuckers situation but she didn't seem to get it or care or understand? "Putting a dog down" and "death" are such abstract concepts that are almost impossible for a kid with autism to understand. I wanted her to say goodbye to Tuck, which she did with a quick wave, but did she know that she was saying goodbye forever? We have no idea? I even showed her Tucker's empty bed the next morning but she didn't show any signs of getting it. Or maybe she understands even better than WE do? Maybe she knows Tucker is in Heaven and romping with his pals? But if she ever can talk and go to therapy and complain about how she was raised, she won't be able to say that we hid Tucker's death from her! ;)

And to be totally honest, making the decision and following through with that decision was WAY harder than the days that follow. I haven't even cried today :) Watching Tucker not eat, and throw up on the carpet, and go in and out and in and out and stare off into nowhere was really tough. Not having to stress over his health the last few days has brought a sense of peace.

What I DO know is that loving a dog and losing a dog is one of the hardest emotional processes we can go through and I have been through a number of heartaches in my 50 years. They capture our hearts and love us unconditionally. They are there wagging their tails when we get home and are equally excited to see us if we only leave to go outside to bring the paper back in. They are the essence of love and open our hearts. Losing them is so painful as they are a member of the family. I have never had so many lovely notes of compassion via my FB page as I have with Tucker's passing. Dog people understand and we all reach out to each other when we lose a family member. Thank you ALL for reaching out, loving us, and sharing your own doggie stories. I love to hear them. RIP sweet Tucker. Thanks for being a part of our family for 8 1/2 years. We will miss you!

He barked at MANY deer, neighbor cats that taunted him, and wagged as we approached from this front window perch.

Our Last Days With Tucker

Every morning I'm hesitant to look at Tucker in his bed. It's that dreaded feeling of "is he still alive?"

Our 15 year old yellow lab is dying slowly day by day. In hindsight, his refusal to eat 2 weeks ago wasn't really refusal like it is now...it was more picky. I could hide his medicine in hot dogs that more often than not he would eat around the pill and spit it onto the floor while the hot dog slid down to his ever shrinking tummy. Which meant that I would have to try that trick again and usually the pill would go down the second time. Then we had to put peanut butter on the pill once he refused the hot dogs. Last week he wouldn't even eat bacon fat poured on his food!! That is unheard of as this dog NEVER got people food and his only encounter into our world of goodness was the bacon fat from our breakfast bacon which he devoured with abandon. I have given up my "dogs don't get people food" stance and you should see me begging him to try....scrambled eggs (they worked twice), leftover turkey (he devoured it twice and after that turned up his nose), BBQ chicken (good for a couple bites). He also goes to his water bowl 322 times a day and NEVER drinks. I need a job outside of the home so that I don't have to watch this demise minute by minute. He also wants to go outside every 15 minutes!! In and out, in and out....and while outside he stares off at the mountain and I wonder what he is thinking?

We started this grand "dog lover" adventure before we got married. My in-laws yellow lab had puppies and we were the lucky beneficiaries of one of the females. I will never forget the day that we picked which one would be ours. All the puppies were in the outdoor pen. Brooke opened the door to let them spill out into the yard. The first puppy sprinted out at top speed to chase a ball that had been tossed. She was darker than the others and had a pointier nose. Brooke fell in love. "Look at her energy! She is so much faster than all the others" he said with a huge smile on his face. He's a sucker for an athlete. Meanwhile, the last puppy moseyed out, wagged his tail and plopped himself beside me so that I could rub his tummy. Now that is MY kind of dog. This story perfectly describes our marriage in the last 22 years since. Brooke is all action and excitement. Give me a massage, hot bath and warm fire where I can curl up and read and I am in heaven. Maybe we should have paid a little more attention to the signs before? :)

Brooke won. We got Darley the most annoying fetcher ever. She was obsessed with chasing...anything and everything. She would clip the back of your legs with a huge log/tree that she would find and pick up and lug around on every hike. She'd clip you then turn around and stop in front of you and try and toss it to your feet so that you'd have to throw it and she could go fetch it again. Fetching wasn't limited to outside either. We were never safe from the obsessive fetching. Inside she would bring the tiniest piece of lint off of the floor and flick it onto the sofa beside you. She'd back up and intensely look from it to you until you flicked it. She needed daily excercise or we would pay. She was the perfect companion for Brooke's back country skiing, biking on open trails and of course running the hills around our mountain town. She mostly just annoyed me even though I loved her and was so sad when she passed at 14 years old. We couldn't face the inevitable of putting her down and canceled the appointment 3 weeks in a row. She had lived in the carpeted basement for the last year of her life as she couldn't do stairs to go outside to pee and she kept sliding on our upstairs hard wood floors. It wasn't until she didn't want to chase a ball or even mouth a ball that we KNEW it was time. Her quality of life was over. And we cried....a lot!!

And here we are again. We gave ourselves a year after Darley died to get another dog. We enjoyed not having to sweep the endless lab dog hair up on a daily basis. We liked not having to take a dog out for exercise....even Brooke enjoyed the down time as we were in the thick of autism chaos 9 years ago. Our poor first "child" Darley wasn't even making the annual Christmas photo anymore!! This is after taking 1.2 million pictures of her pre kids.

But once a dog lover, always a dog lover. We missed the companionship and Jack was begging for one. We knew that we wanted another lab and wanted a little bit older dog as Molly had developed an extreme fear of dogs in those last few years. It got to the point that she wouldn't get out of the car to go for a hike as she knew we would see other dogs on the trails. We aren't exactly sure what happened to create this fear and can only recall a neighbors puppy jumping all over her and scaring her. Maybe that was it? What we did know is that we weren't going to let that fear drive her or our lives. We live in Colorado where everyone has dogs and we love to hike....so Molly was going to live with another dog whether she liked it or not. But a puppy sounded like too much work. I started the Safe Harbor Lab Rescue application out of Golden, Colorado. I looked at the cute pictures that came across the website. We heard that the rescue had called our former vet to see if we were good owners. They wanted to know that we had 4 foot fence that surrounded our yard. They wanted to know that we wouldn't chain up the dog. They wanted a forever home for this dog as he had already been through enough and they didn't want him to have to move again. We promised that we'd keep him forever. We passed and went to pick up seven year old "Target".

Molly was at a summer camp for special needs kids that all use augmentative communication. We just had Jack home and knew that 5 days of no Molly would be good as we introduced the new dog to our home. He was a big beautiful guy with a wide head and friendly wag of the tail. We were psyched to have a male as they don't give your lawn those burned out pee circles like Darley had done. What we didn't know was that he came with A LOT of issues that we were surprised about. Brooke took him to the park that first day. He took him off the leash and threw the ball. At this point we had switched his name to Tucker (Target felt like target practice). Tucker took off for the ball and then ran right past it and down into the woods. Gone. He wasn't coming when his name(s) were called either. This habit lasted FOR YEARS!! If he got out of our front door, he was gone. Up the neighborhood and then down into our wide open space of Red Rock Canyon. I'd post to our neighborhood FB page that he had escaped (again) and someone would reply that they had him..... eventually.

He had a few behaviors that we didn't know how they started since he came to us at 7 years old. He was scared to use stairs! It took him a few months to finally get up his nerve to go down to our basement. So weird. When he'd hear a siren he would howl. He also marked all over our house. It was HIS house. Damn males. We were quickly second-guessing the desire for a male. He was aggressive with other dogs while he was on lead. Off lead, he was fine. And he was always SO sweet with people. I was too nervous to walk with him so that was left to Brooke and within the year he was great with all dogs. Lastly, we got such a laugh when we'd give him a raw hide or treat to chew on. He would gently take it in his mouth and proceed to bury it in the back yard. Darley had NEVER done that and we thought that only happened in the movies.

Most pictures that we have are of Tucker on a hike with Molly.

These three have hiked MANY miles together through the years.

Jack's lacrosse balls were safe from our non fetching lab.

Always sleeps this way.

When we first got Tucker, Jack loved him right away.

He's SO skinny now as he's deep in thought.

So here we are. We will love on our sweet Tucker until we can't any longer. He has been a gift to our family and has taught Molly how to not be afraid of dogs anymore. I'm glad his other family gave him up as we were the big winners with that decision. xo

Please don't take our laughter the wrong way!

Last weekend was the regional volleyball tournament for Special Olympics. The fact that Molly's team was 1st place in their division after losing both games that they played sounds like quite a feat doesn't it? After watching their practices for the last 6 weeks, I was more than a little nervous about how this tournament was going to go down since my girl didn't seem to understand the game...at all! And to be honest, the rest of the team was ducking and not moving for the balls either so Molly wasn't alone.

After one practice, I asked the coach if maybe she could show them all a video of a REAL volleyball game and she liked that idea. She said "I'm not sure how to get them to move from the tiny little circle that they are standing in?" What she was describing was what the rest of us were seeing too: The ball would come over the net and even if it were just 1 foot away from an "athlete"(as they are called in Special Olympics) the player wouldn't budge an inch. The ball would drop with a plop on the floor and the point was over. Basically if the other team could successfully serve the ball over the net, our team would not return it!

Most of the other teams we practiced with could serve it over the net.

So I was surprised the day of the tournament to see that a few of the players were really moving and swinging their arms in a little attempt to hit the ball. Don't picture spiking the ball here or anything REALLY fabulous but movement was happening. And a few of them had learned to serve! This Bad News Bears team might do okay?!!

And then there was this sweet thing. Standing like this throughout the.entire.game. Even when the play was over. Molly's arms HAD to be sore by the end of the two games? I wish that I had taken a picture from the front as she had the hugest smile on her face the whole time too. The ball would come near her, but she didn't budge. It would land right beside her and she'd make no effort to hit the ball. But by golly her hands were up! And she was happy! And the rest of the team never got mad at her.

So there we were watching and giggling and loving every minute of Molly's non competitive spirit. The rest of us play to win so it's such a foreign concept to see her absolute gentleness on the court. When I posted this picture to my FB page, I realized that others might not understand our laughing and I hoped that others would get that we laugh out of joy and total acceptance of Molly. Can you see the love in her dad and brothers eyes? I hope so.

So here are the champs of the "Unassisted Division". All of the other teams had 3 typical peer players (i.e. coaches or siblings that do not have a disability) on the court with the 3 Special Olympians. This keeps the play moving, though I am sure there are rules around what they can and can not do. I never saw a typical player try and win the point. They were there to pass the ball to a team mate and keep the play alive. We were the only team at the tournament that had only Special Olympians playing. Which meant that the ball didn't go back and forth very often and when it DID.....we were ecstatic!

#2 is our girl and we loved that she picked that # since Jack has always been #22 for lacrosse. They all were SO proud of getting the blue ribbons. Did they not understand that they lost both of their games pretty handily? I'm not sure? But that really isn't what matters to these beautiful people. What they love is spending time together and having something productive to do together. They are very sweet and supportive of each other and that is very special to behold in this day and age.

What IS this feeling?

Here I sit in my PJ's at 8 am mulling over these parenting feelings that have hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I have helped Molly shower, brush her teeth, fed her breakfast, made her lunch and her bus arrives soon to whisk her off to work for a few hours. Tonight she has a fun Halloween dance with Spencer where she gets to wear her Vampire outfit that we purchased when the first Halloween store popped up a few months ago. She kept pointing to her teeth when we talked about her costume. When I said "Vampire?" she nodded frantically. Next week I will devote an entire blog to all the Halloween festivities as there are a few more on the horizon. Today I muse about parenting.

We raise our children to grow and flourish on their own two feet. We want them to be independent and never return home to live in our basement once they set off for college. We love for them to trip and fall (well...not the helicopter parents) along the way so that lessons will be learned and we as parents are there to lift them up.

Brooke and I took the "Parenting with Love and Logic" classes that taught us to take the arguments out of lessons learned along the way. If you are not home at curfew, "What a bummer" and a consequence was thought about and imposed at a later time when we were not upset and Jack had time to worry what that consequence might be. Typically he had to be home a 1/2 EARLIER for every minute he was late. He learned quickly and is always home on time. He once found a grassy weed eater in his bed after "forgetting" to do that chore. He might have found a few dirty dishes in his bed too when his basement haven wasn't cleaned up after having been asked on too many occasions and we were finally sick of it.

That makes us sound way more badass than we really are as Jack mostly does what we ask of him in a relatively timely manner. We aren't pushed to throw down the "Because I'm the parent" card that often.

Today my almost 18 year old (next week) doesn't have school. It's a wild feeling that after years of coordinating, driving, fixing food and gentle reminding that he was out the door at 6 am to drive to the mountains to go skiing with his buddies. All without me doing ONE THING!

• He put his bindings on his snowboard (by himself)
• He set his alarm and got up on time (by himself)
• He made breakfast (by himself)
• He had his goggles/ski pants/coat/snowboard/ear buds/phone/ski pass/lunch for his pocket (I think)

He was out the door by 6 am (I was still sleeping in my cozy, warm bed)

So why am I even writing about this? Why do I feel.......I'm not even sure how I feel? Why does it feel like just a couple of years ago we were on our way for a ski weekend and had to turn the car around after driving for 15 minutes to go back to our house to get Jack's snowboard boots that he realized he hadn't packed? I think he was 5th or 6th grade.  How can I feel SO proud of him today in all of his independence and yet feel so sad all in the same moment?

I suppose that as moms we like to feel needed. Yet we also love when our kids can start doing things for themselves. Holding a bottle to feed themselves! AWESOME! Getting their own water from the water thingy on the frig. AWESOME! Turning on their own perfectly tempered water for the shower. AWESOME! Driving themselves to school. AWESOME! Doing their homework without you. AWESOME! I remember vividly fantasizing about when the kids would go off to college and I would finally have a little me space (they were 1 and 3 years old and we were in the thick of autism chaos). But now that we are on the verge of Jack moving on and I have gotten used to having them around, it's a different feeling. Maybe Jack should live in the basement? ;)

So I have one kid that will live with us forever (Molly) and one that is proving his independence and self reliance (Jack) and we should pat ourselves on our backs for how well we have done raising them both.

So why do I feel so.........midlife crisis? ;)

The dreaded dentist appointment!

In the early years, going to the dentist was an absolute nightmare! Molly was hyperly, orally defensive as a little child. I have shared that she wouldn't take a bottle (she exclusively nursed for 14 months), or pacifier, or suck her thumb. We couldn't stay in her mouth for long brushing teeth either and to this day getting those bottom front teeth is hard as she grips that bottom lip onto her teeth.  On top of all the oral defensiveness, she gagged on many different foods and textures. Poor thing.

At one point, we had her put under for a dentist visit so that they could fill a couple of cavities and coat all her teeth with a protective coating. This was the best option back then for sure. She hasn't had a cavity since! As she has grown and gone to the dentist twice a year , she has gotten better and better with the process. I have always encouraged the dentist to let her hold a mirror so that she can see what they are doing in her mouth. This has really helped. Taking the bite X-rays makes ME gag so you can picture what happens to Molly. Even this process is easy now for my almost 20 year old!

Yesterday we had Molly's dentist appointment and I left feeling SO grateful that life has taken the edge off of my daughter. She is such a joy to be around. She practically runs back to the cleaning area and plops herself down on the table. Jack had his last appointment with this pediatric dentist group a year ago as his legs were WAY TOO LONG for the table and all the other kids in the office are tiny. He felt out of place. Molly doesn't care at all that all the other patients are little kids. Molly puts on the glasses and lies down. She opens her mouth, she closes her lips when directed for the liquid to get sucked out of her mouth, the stands perfectly still when they do the panoramic x-ray, she doesn't gag on the bite x-rays, and she almost sprints to the get the coin to retrieve her toy out of the machine when we go to reschedule the next appointment.

Jack always picked the bouncy ball that we would launch from the second story of the building down into the atrium after their appointments. It was the fun, bouncy reward. Lo and behold, Molly wanted a bouncy ball too this time. Next time remind me to be the one that tosses it down to her as this time she didn't have her brother to gently drop it. She heaved it and it went everywhere! I ducked down into a little crouch and covered my head. Luckily no windows were broken in the process.

I then took her to work and she left her little ball in the car.

That afternoon, the bus brought her home. She immediately ran around doing her "chores" then she came and looked at me expectantly. She stands and leans forward slightly and stares at me. She totally thinks that I can read her mind. I say "Molly, do you want something? Then you need to tell me on your talker". She ran back to her room, got her talker, and came and sat down beside me. She scanned a page on her talker and hits "Baseball". I think "Baseball?"....we all hate baseball (boring) and when Jack thought T-ball was boring at 3 years old, we readily agreed and have never had to sit on a sideline since :) Lacrosse baby! Anyway, I had NO idea what she was talking about. She then signs "help" and heads out the front door and goes and looks in the window of my locked car. AHA!! I knew exactly what she needed then. She wanted the bouncy ball from her dentist appt that morning. Love her. Even though she can't speak with her mouth, she is an excellent communicator!!

Wonderful "Positive Exposure" photo exhibit!

Now that school is over for Molly, she does not have the regular excitement of Homecoming, Prom, Graduations, etc to look forward to. So this night was particularly exciting for her and she let me know that many days ahead by putting her hand to her ear as if she were making a phone call to a friend. "Katie" is who she was wanting to tell about the Photo Exhibit that she was going to be in. Katie was a very sweet friend in high school who is now a freshman in college. Molly shows me her FB page and that let's me know that she is thinking of Katie and probably missing her. We "called" Katie on Molly's hand phone MANY times this week. I wonder if she heard us? ;)

Rick Guidotti is a beautiful soul who used to be a high fashion NYC photographer who changed the direction of his career about 15 years ago when he saw the beauty in an albino woman standing on the street corner.  He was drawn to her and asked if he could shoot her (with his camera of course) and that encounter changed his photography forever. He now travels the world taking photos of children and adults with genetic, physical, intellectual and behavioral differences for exhibits that are displayed around the world. "Change how you see, see how you change" is the motto of his Positive Exposure innovative nonprofit arts, education and advocacy organization. www.positiveexposure.org

Six weeks ago, we showed up for Molly's photo shoot not knowing what to expect. They said " Allot a couple hours, bring videos to watch, food to eat, and whatever toys that might engage your kids as we aren't sure how long each session will take and we have a few models booked at the same time." As I parent, I read between the lines on this: "whichever kid isn't losing it right then, get's to go first". So Molly and I walked in with our bag of goodies and her headphones ready to plug in and listen to her music. This is how she stays calm for HOURS on the sidelines of Jack's games and it works. It was very quiet. There were only two men in this big open area who smiled at us as we came in looking lost. I said "Is this where the photo shoot is?". "YES!!" Rick said enthusiastically. "Let's get going!". Oh, wow....Okay. I looked at Molly, her hair was a little crazy but since I have never really learned how to do her hair since mine is bone straight and hers is so curly, I just left it. I love her hair and just let the wave fly! She seemed a little off too. And by off, I mean really edgy. Tense. Having her picture taken is not on her top list of things she likes to do. When she tries to pose and say "Cheese", it's usually a grimace. I was nervous that even this expert wasn't going to be able to get a good one.

He took her outside.

And inside.

I took this one over his shoulder and loved the lighting he found.

Click, Click, Click. He moved her from one location to the next. Quickly. Which is awesome for my girl. He was praising her and telling her how beautiful she was. And then he'd get REALLY excited about a shot as he would look at the back of the camera to see how an image turned out. Then he'd show me. Then he'd show Molly. Click, Click, Click. She was so grumpy and making unhappy noises and yet he kept moving along and wasn't at all distracted by her "differences" and noises. Click, Click, Click. I loved him immediately. "Let me see those beautiful blue eyes. Gorgeous". Click, Click, Click. It was shortly after this take that she disappeared around the corner. He looked at me like "what happened?". I looked at him and went to see where she had gone. She had slipped into the bathroom that was right there. Classic Molly who never tells you what she is up to. I think she really needed to go potty because afterwards she was so much happier and less gripey. And then it was over. It might have taken 10 minutes; 15 minutes at the most. Another mom and young child were just arriving so it was perfect for them too. I knew he had captured a good picture but I couldn't wait to see which one he used for the exhibit and we wouldn't know that until the show 6 weeks later.

So last night was the Gala Opening of the event at Chapel Hills Mall where more than 2 million people will see these pictures during the holiday season. I hope that many of you locals will stop by and see the pictures of these Colorado Springs community members. There is a nice little blurb under their names so you get a sense of the person. Our favorite titled a man "the worlds best paper shredder" or something like that and we all laughed as that could have been Molly if we hadn't nipped that OCD behavior. My absolute favorite picture is of a darling little boy (3-5 years oldish?) in a walker type contraption. He is looking into the camera with such joy it just makes you smile. I will go back just to take a picture of that picture to show you!

Brooke gave Molly flowers that she carried around all night long.

Spencer was part of the fun too.

LOVE this!

They gave Molly a framed print to bring home.

You can't tell at all that she wasn't enjoying the session, can you?

We ate, we drank, we mingled with friends. It was a lovely night. Our "model" even took a couple people that we didn't know across the room to show them her picture. :) I hope that Molly has many more memorable nights like this. She deserves it!

Rick photo bombed Molly and her two high school friends.

What is going ON in the bathroom?

One quick Molly story before I get cracking on my day.

Molly has been A LOT more verbal in the last say 6 months. And by verbal I mean louder. There are many summer days when I wonder what the neighbors think who are walking their dogs by our house and hear her noises emanating out of her bedroom window as she plays on her i pad and listens to music. Do they wonder if we are abusing our daughter or do they know, like most in our little town, "That must be Molly's house"?

It's hard to describe her sounds for those that don't know her. She doesn't modulate appropriate sound levels so often it is too high pitched or squawky sounding. But she IS repeating everything you say to her which in autism world is called "echolalia" (echoing). I say "How are you?" and instead of answering, a child with echolalia will say "How are you?". Remember how Molly's boyfriend Spencer does this too and I always say to him "You look very skinny today" so that he'll say it back to me?

Just kidding....I still don't make him do that.

Sometimes I love that she is attempting speech more. Sometimes it's just annoying and loud. But I recall my daily prayer that she could one day communicate with her mouth and so I try and be patient. And then I ask if she wants a bath as she will always be quiet in there ;)

I got such a kick out of her after a bath last week. She always takes a bath with the lights off and her music on low from her iPad . It's always Bob Marley that she starts with. She adds hot water every now and again and her baths last for an hour or so. If it's too quiet, I peek in to see if she is still alive. Or do the token sound through the door "Oooo"or maybe it sounds more like "Ew"?... and she responds "Ooooo" "Ew". Good, she's alive.

After a long bath last week, she was making all kinds of loud noises and I couldn't decipher if she was happy or upset. I pulled myself up off of the sofa and walked back to the bathroom and peered in. The light was on and she was standing naked in the empty bathtub. She looked at me. I said "What are you DOING?". And she looked at me like I was crazy and said with her mouth "I'm SINGING!" It came out pretty clear and it made me laugh. Of course that's what you were doing :) I have NO idea what song that was or that she even knew that people sing in the shower, but I loved it.

And then last night she had her first Special Olympics volleyball practice. 3 out of 10 hits actually went forward (instead of backwards over her head) so there is a lot of room for improvement but she smiled the whole time!! More on that fun as we move through the season!

Happy Hump Day!!

Senior year of the "typical" sibling.

That means Jack :)

I have every intention of being more consistent with this blog, and then life gets in the way: I AM still script writing for Gemiini, while trying to balance the life of a family. Why does everyone need to eat and have clean laundry? Why does the lab dog hair take over so quickly? And what exactly IS that smell that we can not seem to clean out of the refrigerator despite scrubbing every nook and cranny? The first month plus of school for Jack has been super busy/fun and it being his senior year of high school, I am trying to take it all in and savor every moment. I get a little teary when I think of his fun presence being gone to college and off into the world.

A quick drive by of highlights from this month: Attending soccer/football and ultimate frisbee games to watch Jack's pals and then him play frisbee. He played both football and soccer the first 3 years of high school and has migrated to Ultimate Frisbee this fall for a fun change. LOTS of running which will get him in shape for lacrosse. He has Captains' practice one night a week for a fun casual gathering of all the boys' high school lacrosse players. It's a chance for the older guys to get to know the younger ones before tryouts in the spring.

Broncos are doing well. Our CU Buff's are looking a little better this year..... and we have needed a "little better" for a lot of years now!

Homecoming week had Jack SO busy with all the Student Council involvements from coming up with a theme: Mardi Gras, to decorating the school, to building floats for the parade. To then practicing the seniors Powder Puff cheer (hilarious and for some reason I can't post a video via this blog so I sadly can't show you), to the Homecoming Football game (we lost), to shopping for an outfit last minute Saturday morning,  to finally showering, dressing up, having dinner with all his pals and their dates and then going to the dance.

Do you know what I admire most about Jack and that entire process...is that I had NOTHING to do with it. He is SO good about managing his very busy schedule. He has gotten himself up since elementary school and I rarely have to see if he has over slept. My job is to try and keep the boy fed because he is always hungry!!

Sometimes pictures speak louder than words so here is a glimpse of our life so far this fall.

Ralphie (BEST mascot there is!)

Jack and Molly before his fun Homecoming night!

Boys being goofy!

The beautiful high school kids all ready for the Homecoming Dance.

Jack's stunning girlfriend. She's beautiful on the inside too!

The Senior's Powder Puff outfits. The dance routine was even better! :)

Senior Photo shoot with the amazing Katie Work.

Jeeping getaway to check out the changing colors.

My handsome senior!

He loves the jacket. I love his short hair.

He successfully made me laugh (as always)!

College applications, campus visits, another round of ACT testing and hopefully by Thanksgiving, Jack will have all his paperwork finished and he can relax a little more into enjoying the rest of his high school experiences. So far they have been fun!

Molly is SO busy too with work, speech therapy, music therapy, being assessed for a job, starting Special Olympics volleyball tonight (THAT should be interesting....will update you later) and hiking whenever possible. I'll give you a few quick Molly stories next time.

Summer Fun and this mom is READY for a regular schedule to resume. Hello school!

My last post, little over a month ago, was from an overwhelmed place. I am happy to say that I have not been lying on the sofa eating bon bons ever since, but rather have been very busy having fun! I'll give you a quick recap and hope to get back on regular blogging track as Jack starts his senior year of high school tomorrow and Molly begins her new "work" schedule (which looks a little different this year).

These pictures will be nothing new to my FB friends, but to those of you who just follow my blog, you will understand that we have been on the move and having some great adventures. Life has been good for sure!

Shortly after my mini meltdown, our family drove up to Flathead Lake in Montana near Glacier National Park for a Bell family reunion. No bugs, perfect lake temperature for all the boating sports, beautiful weather, yummy food and beverages and the perfect place for me to celebrate turning 50 years old. I will save writing a separate blog post about my surprise 50th that many girlfriends gave to me at home before we left. It was SO special and I'll encourage you all to celebrate a friend the same way.

Anyway, back to Flathead Lake.

Jack doing a headstand on the paddle board.

Our morning coffee view from the house.

One of my favorite 50th birthday presents.

Molly tried a puff of the cigar AND a sip of beer and said "Yuck" to both :)

LOTS of time spent on the boat.

Wake Boarding: You drop the line and surf the wave. Very fun.

Getting to the top hammock was VERY interesting to watch.

Night Wake Surfing



Upon our return home, I had one week to prepare for a gathering of fun high school friends. I will save those pictures and stories for another blog to be posted soon. Molly is excited to have a daily schedule again and I am looking forward to the same!

This parenting gig is FOREVER!! Why does that suddenly overwhelm me?

I love reading posts from optimistic, positive moms. Those that uplift me and make me smile. This is not one of those posts.

Last week, I hit my annual wall. Luckily, this doesn't happen very often but when it does, it levels me both physically and emotionally. Molly and I were  coming off a 9 day trip where I was her sole caregiver. As most of you know, she is a pretty easy going now at 19 years old. Her behaviors are minimal, she happily listens to her music or peruses her FB friends' pictures, she sits nicely with a group and loved digging in the sand at the beach on our trip back to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. There was no Brooke to go play in the water or dig in the sand with her. No Jack to play "Werewolf" with her at night with the rest of the kids. There was no one to take her on a walk/hike and give me a mental reprieve from responsibility. Just giving you little background for my demise ;)

Molly can't do anything alone. Nor does she initiate wanting to do anything so she can happily stay in her room FOR HOURS with no complaint. This, my friends, is good and bad. My conscience is what nudges me to go poke my head in her room and say "Would you like to go to the pool for a little while?". Which is always answered with an eager nod of the head. Or a "Do you want to go to the grocery store with me?" Eager head nod.

So when a day goes like the one last week, I feel incredible guilt. Figured maybe you'd want to hear about it?

We were driving to speech therapy; a weekly appointment with Molly's "boyfriend" Spencer and a few other adults that use augmentative communication. She LOVES this weekly gathering and they have all grown close as friends through the years. Molly was edgy that afternoon. She was making noises that were making me edgy. Or maybe I was the edgy one and she was feeding off of me? Anyway, I said to her "Molly, what is wrong? You have to tell me on your talker" (because I had NO idea why she was crabby). She turned on her talker and went into her classic spiel "Alana, Aubrey, Mallory" (these are 3 darling friends who we have camped with her whole life.) Molly says their names via her talker all.the.time. I'm never quite sure what she means by it: Do you want to see them? Call them? Go camping with them? Hike with them? Do you miss them? Or are you just thinking about them? Sometimes....miraculously...she will use a verb and say "hike"..or "camp" and then I know.

This time however, I wasn't as gracious. I didn't give her all of the prompts and help. I was TIRED of trying to decipher each and every word. I felt pissed that she couldn't tell me WHY she was edgy. To make matters worse, she then said "Zebra".

ZEBRA??!! WTF do you mean by ZEBRA??!! (I thought the WTF part but my southern upbringing didn't allow me to say it out loud ) You are edgy and you are thinking about a ZEBRA?  Really?Here's what I DID sarcastically say: "Oh, do you want a zebra as a pet? Do you want to feed the zebra? Do you want to sleep beside the zebra (she hilariously said "No" with her mouth and shook her head when I asked this one). The obvious question that I know you ALL are thinking is "Do you want to go to the zoo to SEE the zebra?"...but I wasn't going to give her that one. I'm so mature aren't I? Because I can almost guarantee that that was not what she really wanted. Because then she went on and said:

"Dinosaur."

See what I live with? I play 20 questions with no winning answer at the end.

In one instant, I could feel myself spiraling. I thought "This sucks!!" My daughter is 19 years old and can't answer simple questions. We have worked so hard for her entire life to get her to be able to semi function in life and here we are STILL where she can't tell me how she feels. She can't clearly tell me ANYTHING!! And I am responsible for her FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!! Her learning curve is so flat that it is straight as an arrow. The fact that we are still trying to teach her to cross the street safely is frustrating. Watching her level of confusion in music therapy as she tries to sequence 3 actions is sometimes hard to bear. I don't get how she STILL doesn't understand how to shampoo her entire head and not just her bangs? How does she not get that when we talk about it (and I help wash it) every.single.day??!!

I suddenly felt trapped. Felt like I might suffocate. This is FOREVER!

I know part of this reality stems from being able to watch my beautiful son grow, thrive and flourish. He is becoming a self sufficient young man who is making great choices for himself. He is entering his senior year and starts the college application process. He has made us so proud and scared all in the same moment with his decision to enter a military career and apply for the Air Force ROTC program. "I want to serve our country" (are not words you would have EVER heard out of my mouth at that age) but came straight out of his and I tear up with pride for that maturity. He will make a great leader and I can't wait to watch his next steps.

Things have come pretty easily to Jack. Not to say that he doesn't work hard (because he does) but juxtaposing a typical kid next to Molly's autism shows the glaring challenges that autism presents. Nothing is easy for her and yet she tries with all of her might to succeed. She works hard and rarely says no to trying.

So when I came home and was sharing my bad mommy moment with Brooke, he said "Well you HAVE spent a lot of time with her recently". Sigh. I felt so heard.

"But think how hard it is for her..." he continued. Ugh! And that's when I wanted to hop into my soon to be bought tiny RV and travel the country solo. He's right, I KNOW how hard it is for her and that's why I felt so guilty even acting that way. But sometimes I crumble. And sometimes I'm not a good mom. And too often lately I'm realizing that I don't get that next phase of life that all of my friends are about to have:  an empty nest. I don't get to reinvent myself as I enter my 50's. I'll be Molly's mom and caregiver forever because she NEEDS me. And right now that freaks me out.

"Smelfie" (A Smethurst Selfie") at our family reunion at the beach. Molly is in back in blue. I'm waving.

Y'all have disability favorites!! I am onto you.

I have been a mom of a child with autism for 19 years. I thought that I had experienced it all (or at least A LOT of the ups and downs in that time). But I didn't know that I was missing a little something special until last week.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The realization came to me in the most unexpected way.

It came to me as I was joyfully spending the day with a young lady with Down syndrome.

Let me set the scene for you. We were at the pool. Molly was happily "swimming". She  mostly stays in one spot in the middle of the pool standing, holding her pink donut raft, dunking her hair every now and again while keeping a very watchful eye on me wherever I am. Kory and I were walking together beside the pool. A mom looked at me and gave me a very sweet, knowing smile. I smiled back.

We passed another mom sitting in a lounge chair sunning herself. She gave me that EXACT same smile and knowing look!! Words didn't need to be said...she understood that Kory had Down's. In the blink of an eye this mom could picture the myriad of challenges that might have occurred in Kory's 18 years of life. Heart issues? Speech? Teasing? Friendship issues? Etc..etc, etc. This mom was giving me a fist bump of sorts; understanding and encouragement all with a simple facial expression.

Kory and I sat down  in our lounge chairs and proceeded to have THE BEST conversations!! She shared things about her life with me and asked me questions about my life. She was super engaging, funny and such a joy to be around. She has come SO far since we met her in pre-k years ago when she and Jack started school together. Being with a person that can actually talk to me (unlike my daughter) is such a thrill that I can't even put into words.

Kory gets to go to LA soon to take an acting class. I told her that when she is rich and famous that I wanted to be her chauffeur and massage therapist. She agreed. Then said "Molly?" (meaning what could Molly's job be?). I said "she is an excellent cleaner. She could clean the mansion." Kory said "Perfect". "Jack Bell?" she said looking at me with a smile (she always includes his last name and has adored him forever). I told her that he was hoping to go the ROTC route for college and she immediately said "Body guard". LOVE her!! I told her I hoped that it could be a water front home and she said "of course". So people, it looks like I'm set when Kory makes it big.

As we were packing up to leave, I caught eyes with another mom sitting nearby who gave that same look!! I was like WTF??!! I have NEVER gotten that look in all the years with Molly and suddenly it's everywhere!

Autism manifests in negative behaviors. Autism gets a lot of judgement on
our parenting (or perceived lack of parenting). Autism is cute kids who don't appear to have an outward disability. Autism doesn't give parents knowing supportive smiles.

                                            And that, my friends, was a WILD realization!!

2 month hiatus!! Hello summer.

I keep getting these guilt email updates from my blog site that tell me how many people are checking in. I immediately erase them and think "I'll write a post tonight". And then I don't. It has been TWO MONTHS since my last update and I am sorry for that!! Sweet Molly has had so much going on so I'll give you a quick summary and hopefully get back into the swing of writing since I can take my laptop to the pool and write while Molly swims.

Let's see....we had just gotten back from Spring Break in San Diego the last time I wrote.

Beautiful prom people

Since then I got hired as a script writer for an amazing company called Gemiini.  Gemiini.org Check out the information video they have on the website. Very informative. They create quick videos to help children with special needs learn how to speak. The videos model appropriate behaviors and interactions as well. Most of their videos target the little kids. They hired me since I have an older daughter on the autism spectrum and have a little insight into the needs of older kids. Many of our kids needs are (sadly) still the same as the younger kids. Yes, we still help our kids wash their hair. Only Molly's bangs get clean if left to her own devices. They are REALLY clean too!! Some families are actively involved in ALL bathroom aspects. Count your lucky starts if you don't have to help your adult child with those things!

Soon they will start producing my videos with older actors which will be cool. The script writing learning curve was steep in the beginning but I am quickly understanding what the company is wanting and soon you will be able to see videos teaching our kids "Stranger Danger", "How to cross the street", "How to invite someone on a date" (what to talk about on the date, etc), "Appropriate Internet Use". It has been fun and allows me to still be available when Molly gets home.

Brooke also got a new job and is back in Orthopedic Sales.

Jack and his team had an awesome lacrosse season. They went to the state semi-finals! This is only the second year in his high schools' history that they have gotten that far (last year was the first). Their goal is to make it to the finals next year. And win it ;) He will be a tri-captain for the team and is looking forward to it!

Looks like Molly was bummed that she wasn't going to prom this year.

Awesome rainbow after a deluge during one of Jack's lacrosse games.

Jack had Prom and After Prom. ACT's and SAT's. Ended with a good GPA and is looking forward to club lacrosse, camping with his pals and his first job! Molly had speech therapy, music therapy, "work" and many long hikes in the mountains with her dad and dog. She looks good doesn't she? She's is great shape from her speed hiking.

Life has been full and we are looking forward to a little summer down time. The pool opens this weekend and that is one of Molly's favorite places to be. Look for me on the hill with my book or laptop!!

Would you take candy from a stranger? Molly sure would, no problem!

Thought that you'd love another peek into Molly's therapy life. She started Neuro Rhythm Music therapy about a month ago, where it combines both ABA therapy with music therapy. An awesome therapeutic approach for my girl for sure. They work on listening to verbal instructions and following orders. They work on sequencing patterns, which is also hard for Molly...but fun when you get to play an instrument. We have added two life skills goals to each session as well. One is STILL working on crossing the street safely and the therapist Sarah made up a song that we sing. Soon the song will be faded to just in Molly's own head every time she comes to a busy intersection. Today's blog post, however,  is about "Stranger Danger" and what most of you have done with your elementary aged children. We are still working on it all these years later. Molly has never met a stranger and would hop into the car with whomever pulled up and said "Do you want a ride?". That's why she is never out of sight of support and never goes anywhere alone.

First we needed to start with pictures of family members and folks that she knows. To pair with the pictures was a green sheet of paper with the word "Good" on it. That's all we worked on the first day. Jack, Mom, Dad, Nick, Jake, Katie, Luke and Emme (all her cousins). It was a little disheartening that Sarah would show a picture of our family of 4 together and Molly would hesitantly point to the "Bad" sign. Eek...is it my cooking? Brooke's breath? Jack's constant need to snuggle you? Something that I don't know about? Luckily Sarah didn't call Social Services on us and knew that Molly was just confused about the words and what was expected. Fairly quickly she was labeling all the family photos as "good". Whew. I got such a chuckle as every time the picture of her cousin Nick would be shown, she would say (with her mouth) "Carson" who is one of Jack's friends. And darned if those boys don't truly look alike in that picture!


Then Sarah pulled up all these random pictures of people off the internet and showed them to Molly. They had a red sheet of paper that said "Bad" on it placed beside the computer. "Stranger" is such a vague, hard word and we were trying to break this down into the most simple category. Eventually the Red paper will say "Stranger" and the green will say "Friend".

Of course all the cute young girls and attractive boys, Molly was labeling as "Good". And we'd have to say "No, you don't know them, they are bad". GOSH, this was NOT easy for me; I was raised in the South where you're supposed to be nice to everyone. But this was the only way we could teach this skill to Molly who likes everyone too and has no discernment for the murderer and sex offender.  ;)

Then Sarah randomly switched the photos between family and stranger and Molly was nailing them 100%. Sarah wrote a song about saying "Hi" to a stranger if they approach you but then you turn and walk away. When we practice, Molly leans in to the computer face, says "Hi" and then very non chalantly turns and walks away. She added these words "Go away" (clear as a bell) out of her mouth as she is turning. Kind of rude but made us laugh too.We practiced singing the song for about a week until it was time to take these skills live....out into the hallway of a fairly quiet medical building.

The sign you see at the beginning of the post is what I held as I tried to lure folks off the elevator to engage. What we quickly realized is that everyone is SO nice and trying to help that they would say too much. One lady said "Hi, do you want any candy?" (classic, right?) Molly adamantly nodded her head and said "Yesh". Sarah said "No Molly, this is a stranger, someone you don't know. You can't take candy from her". Molly responded "Yesh, Yesh, YESH!!" while nodding adamantly. She REALLY wanted that candy :) The mom then mouthed to me "Sorry". I was laughing and said "Thanks for trying. Now we have something else to work on".

Back to the drawing board. You just never know what issues might come up and being flexible with these learners is not easy.

Spring Break fun in San Diego area.

3 am send off. Boys clean up nicely, don't they? Go Indians!!

Our hosts in Tempe on our way to San Diego; sweet Maddie and her parents Bubba and Tina.

View from our room in Oceanside, Ca

Molly loves a hike along the ocean as well as in our mountains.

Our future "tiny house"? I'm down with the idea :)

Team photo after their last game! Great time for the boys over break.

Water was FRIGID!! Even Molly didn't go all the way in :)

Selfie. Don't you love her glasses that she quickly grabbed off of a wall full of options? Girl knows what she wants.

Great people watching from the Sky lounge. We attempted a "selfie".

I love these for some reason. Part of our 18 hour road trip to San Diego fun.

Oceanside Pier. We loved this area. Had a great lunch at the end of the pier one day.

Yummy authentic Mexican restaurant. Ate here twice. Good margaritas too :)

Didn't last long on Coronado Beach as it was SO windy and cold. But warm where we had lunch on the main strip.

Molly will dig in the sand all.day.long. Dribble castles are her forte too.

Jack snuck in a goofy face to go with his ruby red, sun burned thighs.

Last day on the beach.

After 19 years of Molly's influence, we are experts at detecting autism around us. Brooke and I couldn't decide if there are just a lot of kids with autism in general, or if those families all love to migrate to the beach on Spring Break with their kids like we do? The first day we were out, there was a big fella standing in the shallow part of the water flapping away. This is the first sure sign of autism. He seemed SO happy. He had a younger sister, in the 12 year old age range, who was standing guard nearby totally immersed in her phone. Brooke tried to engage her in conversation and left feeling like she might have some special needs too? Or maybe she was from Mexico and wasn't very fluent in English? He wasn't sure. He shared this with me when he came to sit back down. It didn't take long for the girl to realize that Molly was like her brother. It was fun to watch her watch Molly. She couldn't take her eyes off of Molly as a matter of fact. Wonder if she had never seen another kid like her brother?

In the old days, I would have gone down to the water or over to the hot tub that Molly was sharing with others to explain and buffer the looks and stares. I think that the difference now is a) I'm tired of that role b) We'll never see these people again c) Molly is so sweet and has such an innocent air about her that folks don't seem to be TOO judgey. d) I was SO comfy in my beach chair absorbing the sun, listening to the crash of waves, and smelling the salty air. I was in my happy place and didn't want to move.

On their daily walk along the beach, Brooke saw another flappy boy outside of his condo playing in the sand. When getting onto the elevator to go up to our room, I exchanged a meaningful mom look with an exhausted looking mother whose son was on the verge of a melt down. He made the same sounds that Molly makes and I just wanted to tell her that I totally understood what she was going through. But I didn't as the doors closed and we went our separate ways. "Good luck soul sista. I hope you get a little down time on the beach" I thought.

These kids are everywhere!! As are their exhausted parents.

The beach is the PERFECT vacation for families battling autism. Our kids seem to universally love the water. The ocean makes a lot of noise which buffers our kids noises (i.e. less stares). It's wide and vast so that you don't have to be on top of others.  My guess is that the white noise is comforting for them? That the weight of the sand on their feet as they dig feels good? Molly loves to be buried in the sand so I guess others love it too?

On an off the beach note, our girl shocked us a few times on this trip with her willingness to eat new foods. She is such a picky protein eater: no meat, no chicken, no fish. And yet on this trip she tried: fish and chips!! Of course it was deep fried and who doesn't love that? She NEVER wants fish in any form and yet she ate every bite. She also chose fried pickles wrapped in prosciutto and cream cheese over ordering her typical pizza or salad! Note the common denominator is "fried"! We were just thrilled to see her willingness to try something new. Love that!

Jack was able to join us the last 3 days of our trip and help with the looooooong 19 hour drive straight through to snowy home. His lacrosse team had a great 5 days of "bro time" on and off the field. There is a lot to be said for down time hanging in a hotel room, having rap offs, eating meals out together, competing as a team against schools that you have no rivalry against and where you can fine tune your plays. Where you can chill at the beach playing frisbee, volleyball, skim board and if manly enough get in the water. As a parent in the stands for their two games (and the only time we were allowed to see them which I thought was a great rule), it was fun to see the sideline camaraderie as the boys bantered with each other. It felt like we gave our sons a gift to go on this trip.

Vacations are good for the soul, good for family togetherness and a great way to hit reset. What's next world?